Fear

Do you know how to be alone?
It’s a way of life for millions of people either by choice or thrust upon them.
It’s maybe something you have only experienced when you were young and first left home for college or a new job away from your home town.
You pull in all your resources to get you by. Did your parents prepare you? Will I have enough money? Can you manage? These are questions so many will ask themselves. As you go along in life you gain speed and momentum. People are added to your circle of life. You can branch out and really discover who you are and what you can do on you own. Later, when you feel assured you can handle life you might commit to a life relationship with someone. You might go further and add pets and children to care for. You empower yourself and, in so doing, you mature.
The first time I ever fended for myself was when I became widowed at age 59. That was five years ago now. I’m turning a corner finally.
You’d think I would be ready.
Well actually, no I wasn’t in many ways.  I had a good job and made good money. I had worked and managed several employees and departments. I knew how to manage my funds and run a household alone. I raised children in a home where my spouse was gone for long durations with the military. I was giving myself more challenges and accomplishing goals. I was an active person with many friends. I knew my way in the world. So, what was the problem?
Fear and not wanting to admit it.
How can life ever get better? It’s as if you have run out of gas and have stalled on an unknown road far from home.
There will be a day in your future just like I describe. You will be afraid, too.
You will survive. You will be ok again. Faith in yourself will return.
But the one thing that remains constant is that you have changed. You are in another phase of your life that you can accept or have a long standing hate relationship with. No one deserves that.
Love yourself and move forward. Always move forward.
Cathy

Cloud Of Images

I was just thinking of days gone by. It’s easy to do that on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 

I realize that I have lived in this town 37 years. That’s a long time for a former military brat and military wife who was used to relocating every few years.

Our girls are privileged to have spent the majority of their lives here. They have raised their families here and have roots I never had. 

I look around at my small home and some things I have kept because they are so precious that take me back in time. Photos are my favorite. Styles of the time of hair and clothes, cars and furniture stamp the date on the memory. I can almost hear your voice saying “cheese!”

I have thousands of photos. 

Often I wonder why I have so many. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be kicked off the CLOUD for having too many stored there! The images are locked into space floating through the heavens. Maybe some images can be seen by you. 

Do you see me here? Do you visit with me as I think about  you and days gone by? I can only hope that is true. 

When we lose someone in our lives it’s a hard thing to accept. Their physical presence was such an important part of our daily lives. However, until they are removed physically from us do we realize just how important those photos and memories of days gone by mean. 

Love deeply and strive to be happy. 

Enjoy time and become someone’s favorite memory. 

Cathy

Just Being Me

The day I became "just me" was the day I made a decision and knew it was the best one for me and my future.

Just being me means that my independence relies on allowing myself to listen to my inner voice. It's not being selfish as it may imply. You'll still merge ideas with others before making some choices.

But too many outside opinions force one to doubt themselves and their ability to make a sound choice on their own. 

Think out loud to yourself when you are alone. Write it down and see the thought appear on paper. It will become real to you as you read it back to yourself. 

Commit to making it happen at some point in your life. 

To ignore it is to diminish your self worth. 

Cathy

Enduring Love

When dreams tonight invade your mind

And your eyes can not see the light 

Your mind will wander lonely roads

Down lost paths you will roam

In my arms you must cry

To release the pain you feel tonight

In the morning it will be clear

That love is needed and always near

So be brave and close your eyes

Lean on me to make things right

I'm with you though thick and thin

Someone you can always believe in

Cathy Windham

Linger A While

Linger A While

By Cathy Windham

Be still and linger in my mind awhile

The days of longing are over

Yesterday's dreams became tomorrow's  improbabilities 

Nevertheless remember the days that were

Be happy in the thought that 

moments happened that you are reminded of today

Many days will pass and years will change you

But your heart will always remain unchanged and in fact will be fuller

So come and linger in my mind awhile

Be happy there with me

Inside Your Dreams

There are a few things you can only do for yourself.

One is to observe. 

Stand back and take a good look at whatever is in front of you. Pay attention to detail. Notice the small things that make up the whole image. 

Are there layers underneath you don't see? Why would that be important? Because, without a foundation, something may just be imaginary or a dream.  It may not last and crumble from sight. One tiny thing holds the others into place. 

The next is making a plan.

Plans are ideas of our mind. The collected observations. The categorized accumulation of imagination. They are the seeds of the pod. We nurture our plans over time to bring them to life.

Plans often require intervention. Changes to reflect an inspired outcome. Plans can fold. They can be stored quite some time and yet be brought out, dusted off and rejuvenated. Ah, plans. There are no limits to how many we can have. But only a few make it all the way. You need a library of plans in your life.

The last is discovery. Discovery is finding the way and all those observations and dreams

coming into focus. Realization that no matter what you thought or saw or pieced together could be touched. Handled with care and cherished because it was yours.

Raw materials reinvented into tangible structures that shelter you as you dream of new plans to come.

Cathy Windham

Good Read

Good Read
By Cathy Windham

If I could write a book, it would be bitter sweet. It would be full of laughs and wild antics, too. Each chapter would describe times as they occurred and people that I had known and who had an impact on my life good or bad. It would be confusing at times and twisted with bits and pieces of sarcasm and reality. If you tore the pages into puzzle pieces it would be like trying to put together a 3-D
kaleidoscope ! You could turn it any which way and the stories would collide into unfinished sentences. The pages would be stained with tears or wine. There would be underlined paragraphs meant to stand out and be remember better than others. Any pictures would not be crisp but rather abstract.
The cover would show wear.
It has a beginning but no end, yet. Many chapters remain to be added. Most of which will be great and full of laughs, fun and surprises. I love surprises, smiles and happy endings!
Once upon a time...

When I'm 64

I’m past the fourth year of being handed the title Widow. It’s a block I had never wanted to acknowledge or check on a form. But this is my title now. I’m old enough to remember a time when many who were widowed spent the rest of their years alone. I don’t want that. I have come through a transitional period of grief and acceptance. I am stronger because I have empowered myself to look ahead at my future as having room for another person to enjoy life with and experience new happiness. If that were to happen then I would consider myself very fortunate. My children are grown with families of their own. They were so close with their dad. We were married 40 years. It’s been so difficult on all of us. I do believe my family, friends and especially me deserve a happy future. We can only get there if we believe it can happen. Being a strong widow willing to open your heart again is empowering. It’s knowing you can go on.
Like the Beatles songs, “All You Need Is Love” and “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m 64?” I sure hope so.

Seeing You

I found you again in my dream

Among the stories of my past 

So close I could feel your warmth 

As you touched my hand at last

But at that moment of wonder

I had forgotten that you had gone

And I prayed there in the moonlight 

I'd be with you at the dawn

You said some words to me 

In a calm and reassuring 

way

That led me to believe

I'd see you again one day

So in my slumber I accepted that promise

And watched you turn away 

Looking back over your shoulder at me

The same as on our last day

Waiting On An Angel

To lose a loved one here is to be greeted by an angel in the future.  I know it hurts.

The Answer

Looking for solutions?

Searching for God and his mercies? He is in your heart.
He is manifested by your actions. Represent Him and you have found peace.

Cathy Windham

Time

Time

Does it follow along beside you wherever
you go

Does it skip ahead in your mind

All those moments are near at hand

Marching along to a magical band

Cathy

New Dreams

Tired of waiting
Just gonna go
Along dusty roads
Where I don't know

Starting out right
Gathering all I need
Checking the map
For places it will lead

Hand in my pocket
Key in my hand
Going to unlock
The dreams I have had

So wonder no more
If the waiting is up
I'm out the door
I'll get there with luck

Cathy
01/01/17