Acoustic Dream

Acoustic Dream
by Cathy Windham

Somewhere inside your guitar
lives a song as sweet and soft as
silk
The story of survival through melodies that have soothed your soul
Reaching back in time to bring a song back to life that was written on a piece of scrap paper then tossed across the room
Confidence in sharing those thoughts out loud and imbedded in notes of aged whiskey and oak
Resurrection of feelings of fear and the possibility of happiness
A prelude to dreams that will take you away along the weathered fretboard you hold in your hand so gently
Smooth  and sensual strumming of chords keep rhythm with my heart
So, play those tender songs you have hidden in your guitar for me

Miracle In The Making

A week out from the epicenter. I’m seeing a miracle in the making. 

I try not to envision Jackson’s horrible accident over and over in my mind because it would not even come close to what I know he sees when he closes his beautiful blue eyes. 

Those eyes. Heartbreakers.

My heart is healing when I see his smile and when he gives me a kiss. I hold his hand and let him lean his head on me as he gets his dressings changed. It’s incredibly painful. I tell him to deep breathe and how proud I am of him and brave he is. 

I stand outside his family’s inner circle and try not to be a “nurse.” I want to be Granny. I watch my sweet Lauren & Casey care for their son with such tenderness. It tears my heart out that they are in this stormy trauma recovery mode. 

I am blessed to know what I know about trauma care. Never taking for granted seeing him progress daily is nothing short of a miracle.

One day I’ll dance with this boy/man and we’ll both know that God is with us on this journey and we’ll thank Him again for the millionth time.

I look into those beautiful blue eyes and know he is destined for a great future. 

I love you, Jackson!

😘Granny

Tips on how to cope with grief

You will find your way eventually and along the way will discover yourself in a way you never thought existed. For instance I began writing poetry and short stories. I also taught myself to watercolor paint. Both of those talents may have always been suppressed but it wasn’t until I was working through my grief that they were discovered. Whatever it takes to get yourself breathing and functioning independently is a step in the right direction that will teach you how to react and be there for others in their grief journey. Your grief may improve over the years but it never truly goes away.

Hard As A Diamond

Hard As A Diamond

You know what is so weird? Counting the years into your future from a new ground zero. 

Ground zero for me was 2/5/2013. 

We'll all go through this portal at different times in our life and for many different reasons. What we'll have in common is a huge life altering event occurring.

It's an evolution in a sense. I found out that from that moment forward I was no longer the person I had been. I'd never be the same or think the same or react to things the same. 

I would need more time. 

I'll never have enough time it seems some days.

My days were on hold and my nights were an earthquake.

Working out from the epicenter, I can tangibly feel the difference in the earth under my feet. My stance is much more stabilized. 

My focus is returning. My vision is clearer and I can turn my sight forward again.

I feel as though up until now I was standing in the center of a revolving turnstile. I saw the exit but didn’t trust the path. 

That earth shattering day moving further and further away into the past. A circular rippling blur.

The reason for my change is like a precious gem being made under a great force of nature. A crushing glacier went right over my heart. 

I feel like I'm in a new orbit revolving around a brighter sun. My soul shines like that diamond I made out of my pain. 

Bright, indelible, faceted and reflective of my beautiful life. 

Yes, recovery is as hard as a diamond.

Cathy

Surviving

There is a whole lot of living left to do.  Funny how I have not really thought like this before with as much passion.  The other day an acquaintance died.  He committed suicide.  Just one year older than me and something was so awful he felt the need to end his life without a fight.  Why?
I have been through troubled times that rocked my world, too.  I would not have ever wanted to cause such grief for my family.
Having dreams no matter what they are is so important.  Going through with it and experiencing the joy it brings helps you recover.  It does not have to be much but an alternative to your daily grind can really refresh you and make you feel better.  I have cried as I walked after dark so no one would stop and ask me what was the matter.  By the time I got home, I felt a burden lifted as I showered and felt the tension run down the drain.
Baring your soul of things that have bothered you way too long is good, too.  Someone to listen in an unbiased way. Or just write it out and keep going until you feel lighter mentally.  Read it over.  Tear it up, burn it or keep it.  There are no rules for purging demons in your mind.
When I decided to sell my home after my husband died it surprised me that I was thinking it.  I thought I was fine right where I was.  Surrounded by the familiarity of our lives together.  It did not bother me one bit.  But my family had problems.  It was too hard and sad and the home had lost it's meaning without him there.  So, I made the decision to clean it out.  Sell things and pack others.  It was a very tough and big job.  But having my plan actually being acted out gave me direction.  I did not have time for feeling selfish, sad or drowning in grief. I had to survive and live.
As much as people want to help, there is only so much they can do.  It must be your journey to find a way to live a new future.
Empower yourself when you feel like you are doubting yourself.
Go ahead and decide to change things up.  Get away to someplace new and refreshing.  Allow yourself to feel happy. Enjoy easy and simple things.  Don't push yourself if you are not up to it right then.  But don't ignore it long.
Call people because more than likely they want to call and are afraid of disturbing you.  For God's sake, dusturb me, I'm still alive, barely.  I want and need the intervention more than the solitude.  Get out and about.
We are alone and don't want to be.
We are torn in half and realize we need help but don't ask.  That gets old quickly.
Happiness is the long term goal as I plan ahead.  Whats next?
One trip, hug, card, call, deed, word
step at a time.
I'm good because I have many who
genuinely care, including myself.
Cathy

Fear

Do you know how to be alone?
It’s a way of life for millions of people either by choice or thrust upon them.
It’s maybe something you have only experienced when you were young and first left home for college or a new job away from your home town.
You pull in all your resources to get you by. Did your parents prepare you? Will I have enough money? Can you manage? These are questions so many will ask themselves. As you go along in life you gain speed and momentum. People are added to your circle of life. You can branch out and really discover who you are and what you can do on you own. Later, when you feel assured you can handle life you might commit to a life relationship with someone. You might go further and add pets and children to care for. You empower yourself and, in so doing, you mature.
The first time I ever fended for myself was when I became widowed at age 59. That was five years ago now. I’m turning a corner finally.
You’d think I would be ready.
Well actually, no I wasn’t in many ways.  I had a good job and made good money. I had worked and managed several employees and departments. I knew how to manage my funds and run a household alone. I raised children in a home where my spouse was gone for long durations with the military. I was giving myself more challenges and accomplishing goals. I was an active person with many friends. I knew my way in the world. So, what was the problem?
Fear and not wanting to admit it.
How can life ever get better? It’s as if you have run out of gas and have stalled on an unknown road far from home.
There will be a day in your future just like I describe. You will be afraid, too.
You will survive. You will be ok again. Faith in yourself will return.
But the one thing that remains constant is that you have changed. You are in another phase of your life that you can accept or have a long standing hate relationship with. No one deserves that.
Love yourself and move forward. Always move forward.
Cathy

Cloud Of Images

I was just thinking of days gone by. It’s easy to do that on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 

I realize that I have lived in this town 37 years. That’s a long time for a former military brat and military wife who was used to relocating every few years.

Our girls are privileged to have spent the majority of their lives here. They have raised their families here and have roots I never had. 

I look around at my small home and some things I have kept because they are so precious that take me back in time. Photos are my favorite. Styles of the time of hair and clothes, cars and furniture stamp the date on the memory. I can almost hear your voice saying “cheese!”

I have thousands of photos. 

Often I wonder why I have so many. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be kicked off the CLOUD for having too many stored there! The images are locked into space floating through the heavens. Maybe some images can be seen by you. 

Do you see me here? Do you visit with me as I think about  you and days gone by? I can only hope that is true. 

When we lose someone in our lives it’s a hard thing to accept. Their physical presence was such an important part of our daily lives. However, until they are removed physically from us do we realize just how important those photos and memories of days gone by mean. 

Love deeply and strive to be happy. 

Enjoy time and become someone’s favorite memory. 

Cathy