Going Cold Turkey

Find some measure of happiness in every aspect of your life. It may not be perfect, but it is your life and happiness ultimately is yours to find. Each day, look for a little peace, find a reason to smile, realize you have more than someone else, and thank those in your life who make the ride worth taking.

I just read the above statement written on another blog called One Fit Widow.  Michelle is explaining her second Thanksgiving without her husband.  I can relate.  This is my second one without mine.

Many things have changed in the way I am able to cope with this loss.  I find that my future would have changed whether or not he had died.  The difference is it is all my future.  Thoughts that came to life once I allowed myself to experience my solitary existance.  I don't feel guilt for thinking only to please myself.  It is a foreign thing to do after many years of marriage and having another person to care for and who helped take care of me.  It had to be learned the hard way.  "Cold Turkey!"

Which reminds me, I did not save my Thanksgiving left overs.

I sent them all home with my daughter to feed her ravenous family!  It actually felt relaxing today going through the ritual of cooking the traditional meal while watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  I made my coffee and put the dishes together with the ease of Paula Deen.  I didn't scrimp on the ingredients.  Butter makes everything taste better!  

We had a sudden change in our customary outing to gather with other families at the home of my daughter's inlaws.  It was a jolt in the family chain that broke a link.

Everyones plans were altered and will be different forever.

1. So, this year it is different because someone else has died.

It affects me in an indirect way but it is a significant event for my daughters inlaw family.  They are a close loving group with many of them living here near each other.

My heart grieves for their loss.

There will be ways to help them. Ways that I have experienced that I wish I did not need to share.

This will all take time and hopefully by this time next year, we will all be further along on our road to recovery.

Cathy

11/27/14

Evaporation

As I turned you appeared out of the corner of my eye.
Strong and lean; no shirt on.
Muscles on arms pronounced.

You shook your hair and water droplets flew through the air in a swirl and then you smoothed your hair back with one sweep away from your dark eyes.

You looked straight at me.
I smiled and walked into your embrace.

When I opened my eyes you were gone.
Vanished in the mist of my dream
and swept away in my tears.

Cathy

The Nest

In my bed at home
Is where my mind will roam
Late into the night
Sometimes till morning light

Upon this bed my dreams come true
Lying here next to you
Our hearts will beat as one
Our nights spleandor will be won

Our children wrestle for position
Between us in their possession
Wild hair and twisted sheets
Our love is theirs complete

Lie here next to me
The future we will see
Walking hand in hand
Dreaming of our promised land

My eyes will softly close
Your love I only know
Warm hand held in mine
Together for all time

Cathy

Reflection

Looking through cut crystal is the way I see all the precious moments in my life.

Facets reflect love, hope and faith into a pattern that spills a rainbow on the surface of my memory.

When clouds subdue the sun and the day turns to night, the flame of candle light softens the spectrum.

I close my eyes and dream in a kaleidoscope of reflected happiness.

Writing A Song

I wish I knew how to write a song
About you and me riding along
Arm over shoulder
Sitting close
Your lips on mine
Eyes closed

Just being with you on a cold rainy day
Nothing was noticed as time ticked away
Arm over shoulder
Sitting close
Your lips on mine
Eyes closed

Over the threshold you carry me
Upon the bed you sleep with me
Arm over shoulder
Holding me close
Your lips on mine
Eyes closed

I lay next to you
Life slipping away
Arm over shoulder
Holding you close
My lips on yours
Eyes closed

Cathy Windham

Accepting Insecurity

Feeling insecure in a new place is hard.  Kids often are faced with this without much help.  Growing up in a household that forced one to move, change homes, leave friends and make new ones was an expectation.  Is it possible to honestly recall the first time feeling insecure?

In class a uniform was worn.  That probably helped in many ways.  But outside the classroom and back in the neighborhood it was more noticeable.  You stood out by attending a different school.  You had a different religion and church.  You had different guidelines and rules to adhere to.  You started to compare yourself to those you knew.
You wished for things or lifestyles
that you admired.  You were too young to know but to you it mattered what others thought.

Young teen years.  They do matter.
Awkward, growing, changing almost overnight.  Glasses, braces, clearasil, physical shape, breath, clothes, sports and abilities can make or break a young ones insecurities.

Do you like me?  Do you admit your feelings?  Do you step outside your comfort zone?  Do you take a risk?
A first kiss, what does it mean?
At that moment you can forget your insecurity and live with the hope that your future holds so much more.

Cathy Windham

The Bottom Middle Child

After one and two plus three came me, the bottom middle child.  I sometimes wonder if I was that glimmer in daddy's eye or an oops moment.  4/5th's is an odd fraction.
Either way, I'm here representing me in my birth order.

Much has been written and studied about a first born child.  Where do I stack up?  I would hope those who study these sort of things could say "she can hold her own."

She is observant.  She studies a situation and bases her decision after a lot of consideration.
She is strong.  She sees pain and buffers it's impact.
She is smart.  She works hard to tackle the unknown and apply it appropriately.
She is sensitive.  A word can crumble her world.
She is loving.  She's all in.
She is fair.  Weighing all circumstances before making judgement.
She is compassionate.  She will do anything for someone in need.
She is a friend, mom, neighbor, aunt, grandmother and sister.
She is me.

Cathy Windham
8/26/14