Hard To Say

The most important things are the hardest to say....
This is at the epicenter of all truth.
Reality checks clean the clutter away. 
All will experience love and loss of some kind in their lifetime. It will occur many times.
Can you hear your heart as you look into the eyes of trust?
Once you do, the clouds will cushion your free fall.
Fear will make you heavy and you will hit hard.  But, trust will allow your wings to soar and discover freedom!
"I love you" is the most wanted and feared phrase. 

Cathy Windham

Hanging Out

Boaters And Beer Floaters
Hanging out by the dock
Tatooed women swaying to the music
It's half past five o'clock

I sip my bad habit
As the waitress brings your beer
Girls swinging with their daddy
To the rhythm on the pier

Beer buzzing like bees
to the warm salt breeze
My mind is in the moment
There's no time quite like these

She picks up found sunglasses
And perches them on her face
Looking up at the bright sun
Never want to leave this place

Petal

A petal fell from the flower and landed with a silence as quiet as a last breath.

It was a beautiful blossom.  So soft and satin smooth.  The color only slightly faded.

It unfurled it's grandeur like a time lapse photo.  It came alive and moved as if dancing to music.

The candles were lit and the crystal reflected the love of the flower that just died.

Life's Milk

Moon beams sing a lullaby
As dew settles on web
The night glistens with stars
Mother cradles soft head

Lips gently graze the crown
Of ringlets spun like silk
A chubby hand kneads the breast
Love gives life's sweet milk

Endless cycles of day and night
When cries call out to dark
Time wraps the two as one
Into the future they embark

Traveling Backwards

Traveling Backwards

I learned to ice skate when I was five.  We lived in Ulen, Minnesota.
It's an itty bitty speck on the border near Fargo, ND.  My mother and us five kids lived there the year my dad was in Turkey with the Army.

There was a small shallow frozen pond as I recall.  It was bumpy and there were ridges cut into it's surface from more experienced skaters.  I remember the laces on the skates were dirty and they were too big on my feet.  I got them on wearing a couple pair of thick socks to take up the extra space.  I had on a bulky coat, hat and wet mittens.  Just standing up was a monumental feat.
I stood there very still on the ridgid surface afraid to move.
Others whisked by me.  All I could manage was to move backward.
I tried to pick up my skate and promptly fell.  The surface was wet and cold getting my pants soaked all the way through.  I got on my knees and stood up again and in so doing, the tips of the blades met like I was pigeon toed.  As I got my balance again, one blade pushed out and scooted back.  Compensating with my arms wide to the side to help I traveled backward and then the other foot did the same move.  Next thing you know I'm skating backwards!

That was the same year I learned to ride my brother's bike that did not have a seat.  Somehow I believed from a dream I had that I could ride that bike.  The next morning still in my pj's I managed to do it.

I did not get to take lessons to hone any skills. I played and learned from watching others
do things that looked fun.

I think a tenacious spirit to succeed and overcome obstacles has helped me so much.  Having fun was the goal.  Not just with  these childhood feats but with dealing with some of my life's most challenging moments.

My goal is still to seek the fun in life, but now I'm able to travel forward knowing that what is behind me will cushion any fall.

I Left You At The Shore

The last wave I saw curled a little at the edges.  It was dark gray with a white beard.  Old man of the sea.  He was angry today.
Growling and throwing punches that carved at the banks.
I walked along holding my jacket close as the wind blew at my back and sent sheets of sand ahead of my feet.
The water was cold and tiny bubbles burst when they hit the sand.
Looking ahead I saw a brave gull.
He flew an erratic path until meeting with another among the sea oat curtain.
Why I was there can't be answered.
I was looking for my foot prints from before.
I saw a small one and remembered when my child scampered this beach.
I saw a car tread and remembered innocent lovers watching the sunset from the front seat.
My bicycle used to roll on the packed sand and take me further than I cared to stroll.
Was it yesterday that you smelled like suntan lotion and salt?
I strolled along the sand that has belonged to this haven
since God created it.
My feet carry away specks of grit that cling to my toes.
Some are carried inside and find their way into my shoes.
Each grain a memory of where I have travelled.
I will return when seas are calm
and waves are clear.
You will still be there.
Cathy
2.28.15

Find some measure of happiness in every aspect of your life. It may not be perfect, but it is your life and happiness ultimately is yours to find. Each day, look for a little peace, find a reason to smile, realize you have more than someone else, and thank those in your life who make the ride worth taking.

I just finished reading this on a another blog called One Fit Widow.  The author, Michelle talks about her evolution of grief during her second Thanksgiving without her husband.  Today is that day for me.

What I have come to realize is that my future, whether or not my husband had died, would be changing on a daily basis anyway.  The difference is I don't have his influence or input in helping me guide my days.  So, I have to learned to empower myself. I give myself permission.  I start without hesitating.  I finish with a personal pride that I am in control.  I still want approval but no longer feel a guilt for just listening to my inner voice.