Torn Heart

The tear in your heart is real. The scar may not show but you will always know it is there. Take pride in your ability to heal from such a painful tear. 💔

Grateful

The last 9 years have brought the biggest challenges. Cancer invaded and conquered 5 yrs ago. I have to say that having gone through that awful period of time, I am stronger, more patient, more empathetic, more loving, more ready than ever to continue living while taking that love I lost with me in my heart forever. That won’t change. I am thankful and grateful to have had such an exceptional 40 yr period of my life with my husband. I carry on and life is good. The future holds much in store for my life going forward. ❤️

Pathway To Tomorrow

Pathway to Tomorrow
by Cathy Windham

Don’t be afraid to find another you
One that God had planned ahead
Worry versus fear
You must choose which will live in your head

Soon lies a future for you
One that you will steer
be strong and brave in your belief
you will overcome your fears

Today starts a new day
one full of goodness and relief
One you can smile upon
and fully release your grief

Ocean Emotion

Ocean Emotion

by Cathy Windham

Napping on the the beach

Water lapping on the shore 

All I want is you here

My love,  forever more

Everyone here looks happy

As they play upon the sand

I lay right here and dream of us

Walking hand in hand

I am here with you

Where forever you will be

I close my eyes and dream of us

In the sunshine by the sea

I’ve Got Your Back

I’ve Got Your Back

by Cathy Windham

I was talking with a friend tonight driving back home. It’s always a good time to catch up and see how each others day has been and laugh a little, too. Besties can do that easily then go three weeks or much more without contact or feeling judged. Life. 

So the topic got on to what makes a great friend and who really “has your back?” Now we know what makes a great friend because we’ve been friends many years now. But, I can honestly tell you, we had long periods of time dealing with some very serious shit in our lives when we wanted to be there for each other and couldn’t for one reason or another. 

You miss them greatly but respect their space as they respect yours “It’ll all work out,” you tell yourself and it does. 

You give of yourself and your time. You’d give it again and again knowing they’ve got your back when it really matters. When you have to let loose and spill, 

you know they’ll wipe up the ugly tears and spilled drink. 

They’ll shelter you and and secrets you exposed. 

They’ll be vulnerable, too. When your bestie has your back. 

You know who you are....

Your Moment

Your Moment

by Cathy Windham

Living in your moment sounds so effortless doesn’t it? After all, we are in charge of our decisions are we not? So why do we think that living in our moment is something that is unrealistic? So many questions and just as many answers as to why we behave this way. 

One is putting ourselves last. We do that a lot.  To put ourselves first is selfish and frowned upon. Doing for others in our lives overshadows our own needs and desires. To be the giver forces us to be focused on service to others. A gift of yourself. 

Always giving depletes resources.

Another reason is worthiness. Often we do not see ourselves as worthy or important as those we serve. Working tirelessly every day to provide is difficult. It can leave one depleted of joy on a daily basis.

Our needs get shoved further and further away. We fail to recognize them or acknowledge their existence. They fall off the radar.

Years can pass with this relentless weight on us. We need to learn to lighten our emotional load. Some crack under their own pressure. Others tear down the very thing they spent precious time building up. By then it’s much too late. 

So, to get your life back on an equal level to those you serve may be the key to survival. Invest a few minutes of time each day to your emotional health. Pray, meditate, exercise, read, paint, play music, sing or nap. 

It won’t matter what you choose as long as the result brings you happiness and peace living in your moment.

Reset

Reset

by Cathy Windham

Sometimes when I’m home alone,  I wonder why days go by at such a slow pace. As if time’s clock got stuck. The second hand gets hung up and jerks in place going nowhere. On those days, thoughts can invade my mind and play tricks on me. Was it really time to wake up that morning? Did I forget to sleep last night? Am I stuck on a journey through fog and lost my way? I have self doubt and feel as though nothing is very important in my life.  I am alone and that is a very frightening place to be.

It wasn’t always this way. I was always so busy and going in so many directions at one time that I may have wondered how I ever got from one day to the next. A day when I could really relax and enjoy myself was needed in the worst possible way.  I managed to make that happen somehow. For me it was not planned out very well though. When I should have slowed down a year earlier I didn’t. I pushed through the difficult months of that last year at work. I never knew what the future would bring. I hoped and prayed only fun days were ahead to be enjoyed. Endless glee. Constant happiness. Perfect endings. I was wrong.

I found myself in a space lacking oxygen for five years. Barely aware of who I was and why I was still alive and able to get from day to day. I still accomplished so many physical challenges much to my surprise.  I really thought at the time I was doing ok. I think I had many people fooled, too.  I learned to suppress some emotions and express others. I came out of a cocoon in a sense a very changed person.

I would say this transformation in myself is very overdue. But, as anything that is yearned for and worked on slowly to get it right, it took every bit of that slow paced time invested to see results that will bolster me and keep me going forward into an uncertain yet happier future. 

I’ve reset my clock ahead to the time I need to be in right here and right now. 

Sensual Song

Sensual Song

Music has been attributed
To emotions deep within
That slow and sensual song
Is where it will begin

In the silence of my heart beat
Touch can become your play
Turn up the volume on that tune
Making sweat beads where we lay

Wet skin is so inviting
Slightly salty to my taste
That slow and sensual song
Beckons kissing on your waist

Keep the melody in rhythm with my breath
It’s one that makes me sigh
Your scent so alluring
Sensual song makes me high

Serenade

Serenade

by Cathy Windham

Sing a song of meaning

that takes me back in time

Of days and fun we used to have

when we were in our prime

The melody will be soft and slow

as evening shadows grow

For in your guitar lies a song for me

that only you will know

I had the feeling many have 

when they are reminded of the past

that in this moment of the future

you want it all to last

Yet as all dreams and songs do end

when tempo begins to trail

the song you sang for me that day

impressed me without fail

Driftwood Beach

Driftwood Beach

by Cathy Windham

Discovery of a natural treasure and beautiful site is something you may want to keep secret

As if you are the first person to lay eyes on such a landscape

Finding it can be a challenge

heightened by the anticipation that it will live up to expectations

It does

Tossed and tumbled, dried, silver wood has the look of wild curly hair

in the incessant ocean breeze

Waves smooth it’s surfaces to a sheen similar to polished metal

Striations and cracks hold character as well as your infatuation with it’s aged beauty

Lean back and close your eyes

Listen to the sea gulls as they bob upon the waves 

Spread your picnic in a cove of driftwood and soft crystal sands that reflect gentle light in your eyes

Dream Believer

Dream Believer
by Cathy Windham

Can’t stop believing and thinking that I am witnessing a new transition in myself as I come out of a dream.
I’ve protected my core for the last five years. Honestly, I did not think it could be possible to emerge on the other side of heartbreak and still be ok much less better than I was before.
It sure has been a nice feeling to tell you the truth. I took my life back from the tailspin it was in.
Now, I’m no expert on matters such as this. There are plenty of books already written on how to deal with pain and depression after the loss of someone so close to your heart.
All I know is that each and every day, I’m more focused on the positive vibes of the day at hand.
I can make choices based on the knowledge that whatever I choose is right for me and be happy with it. I can allow myself to experience the happiness that I felt was so far out of reach but now is as close as that gold ring on the merry go round!

Soft Music

Soft Music
by Cathy Windham

You picked up your guitar and adjusted the strap across your shoulder.  Holding it close to your body, your fingers rested on the strings a moment. You began to play and the melody traveled into the surrounding air and was captured in the branches of the live oak trees bordering our secluded spot overlooking the marsh.
Soft tones escaped into the silence and then your voice was added in such harmony that I’m sure Mother Nature heard you, too!
I closed my eyes and listened intently as rays of afternoon sun were filtered by the Spanish moss overhead. I had hoped in that moment the tide would come back in and fill those hollow channels among the grassy reeds like the good feeling was filling the hollow channels of my veins.
It was a fine, oh so fine a time hearing you play and me being lost in the moment of soft music.

Acoustic Dream

Acoustic Dream
by Cathy Windham

Somewhere inside your guitar
lives a song as sweet and soft as
silk
The story of survival through melodies that have soothed your soul
Reaching back in time to bring a song back to life that was written on a piece of scrap paper then tossed across the room
Confidence in sharing those thoughts out loud and imbedded in notes of aged whiskey and oak
Resurrection of feelings of fear and the possibility of happiness
A prelude to dreams that will take you away along the weathered fretboard you hold in your hand so gently
Smooth  and sensual strumming of chords keep rhythm with my heart
So, play those tender songs you have hidden in your guitar for me

Miracle In The Making

A week out from the epicenter. I’m seeing a miracle in the making. 

I try not to envision Jackson’s horrible accident over and over in my mind because it would not even come close to what I know he sees when he closes his beautiful blue eyes. 

Those eyes. Heartbreakers.

My heart is healing when I see his smile and when he gives me a kiss. I hold his hand and let him lean his head on me as he gets his dressings changed. It’s incredibly painful. I tell him to deep breathe and how proud I am of him and brave he is. 

I stand outside his family’s inner circle and try not to be a “nurse.” I want to be Granny. I watch my sweet Lauren & Casey care for their son with such tenderness. It tears my heart out that they are in this stormy trauma recovery mode. 

I am blessed to know what I know about trauma care. Never taking for granted seeing him progress daily is nothing short of a miracle.

One day I’ll dance with this boy/man and we’ll both know that God is with us on this journey and we’ll thank Him again for the millionth time.

I look into those beautiful blue eyes and know he is destined for a great future. 

I love you, Jackson!

😘Granny

Tips on how to cope with grief

You will find your way eventually and along the way will discover yourself in a way you never thought existed. For instance I began writing poetry and short stories. I also taught myself to watercolor paint. Both of those talents may have always been suppressed but it wasn’t until I was working through my grief that they were discovered. Whatever it takes to get yourself breathing and functioning independently is a step in the right direction that will teach you how to react and be there for others in their grief journey. Your grief may improve over the years but it never truly goes away.

Hard As A Diamond

Hard As A Diamond

You know what is so weird? Counting the years into your future from a new ground zero. 

Ground zero for me was 2/5/2013. 

We'll all go through this portal at different times in our life and for many different reasons. What we'll have in common is a huge life altering event occurring.

It's an evolution in a sense. I found out that from that moment forward I was no longer the person I had been. I'd never be the same or think the same or react to things the same. 

I would need more time. 

I'll never have enough time it seems some days.

My days were on hold and my nights were an earthquake.

Working out from the epicenter, I can tangibly feel the difference in the earth under my feet. My stance is much more stabilized. 

My focus is returning. My vision is clearer and I can turn my sight forward again.

I feel as though up until now I was standing in the center of a revolving turnstile. I saw the exit but didn’t trust the path. 

That earth shattering day moving further and further away into the past. A circular rippling blur.

The reason for my change is like a precious gem being made under a great force of nature. A crushing glacier went right over my heart. 

I feel like I'm in a new orbit revolving around a brighter sun. My soul shines like that diamond I made out of my pain. 

Bright, indelible, faceted and reflective of my beautiful life. 

Yes, recovery is as hard as a diamond.

Cathy

Surviving

There is a whole lot of living left to do.  Funny how I have not really thought like this before with as much passion.  The other day an acquaintance died.  He committed suicide.  Just one year older than me and something was so awful he felt the need to end his life without a fight.  Why?
I have been through troubled times that rocked my world, too.  I would not have ever wanted to cause such grief for my family.
Having dreams no matter what they are is so important.  Going through with it and experiencing the joy it brings helps you recover.  It does not have to be much but an alternative to your daily grind can really refresh you and make you feel better.  I have cried as I walked after dark so no one would stop and ask me what was the matter.  By the time I got home, I felt a burden lifted as I showered and felt the tension run down the drain.
Baring your soul of things that have bothered you way too long is good, too.  Someone to listen in an unbiased way. Or just write it out and keep going until you feel lighter mentally.  Read it over.  Tear it up, burn it or keep it.  There are no rules for purging demons in your mind.
When I decided to sell my home after my husband died it surprised me that I was thinking it.  I thought I was fine right where I was.  Surrounded by the familiarity of our lives together.  It did not bother me one bit.  But my family had problems.  It was too hard and sad and the home had lost it's meaning without him there.  So, I made the decision to clean it out.  Sell things and pack others.  It was a very tough and big job.  But having my plan actually being acted out gave me direction.  I did not have time for feeling selfish, sad or drowning in grief. I had to survive and live.
As much as people want to help, there is only so much they can do.  It must be your journey to find a way to live a new future.
Empower yourself when you feel like you are doubting yourself.
Go ahead and decide to change things up.  Get away to someplace new and refreshing.  Allow yourself to feel happy. Enjoy easy and simple things.  Don't push yourself if you are not up to it right then.  But don't ignore it long.
Call people because more than likely they want to call and are afraid of disturbing you.  For God's sake, dusturb me, I'm still alive, barely.  I want and need the intervention more than the solitude.  Get out and about.
We are alone and don't want to be.
We are torn in half and realize we need help but don't ask.  That gets old quickly.
Happiness is the long term goal as I plan ahead.  Whats next?
One trip, hug, card, call, deed, word
step at a time.
I'm good because I have many who
genuinely care, including myself.
Cathy