Reset

Reset

by Cathy Windham

Sometimes when I’m home alone,  I wonder why days go by at such a slow pace. As if time’s clock got stuck. The second hand gets hung up and jerks in place going nowhere. On those days, thoughts can invade my mind and play tricks on me. Was it really time to wake up that morning? Did I forget to sleep last night? Am I stuck on a journey through fog and lost my way? I have self doubt and feel as though nothing is very important in my life.  I am alone and that is a very frightening place to be.

It wasn’t always this way. I was always so busy and going in so many directions at one time that I may have wondered how I ever got from one day to the next. A day when I could really relax and enjoy myself was needed in the worst possible way.  I managed to make that happen somehow. For me it was not planned out very well though. When I should have slowed down a year earlier I didn’t. I pushed through the difficult months of that last year at work. I never knew what the future would bring. I hoped and prayed only fun days were ahead to be enjoyed. Endless glee. Constant happiness. Perfect endings. I was wrong.

I found myself in a space lacking oxygen for five years. Barely aware of who I was and why I was still alive and able to get from day to day. I still accomplished so many physical challenges much to my surprise.  I really thought at the time I was doing ok. I think I had many people fooled, too.  I learned to suppress some emotions and express others. I came out of a cocoon in a sense a very changed person.

I would say this transformation in myself is very overdue. But, as anything that is yearned for and worked on slowly to get it right, it took every bit of that slow paced time invested to see results that will bolster me and keep me going forward into an uncertain yet happier future. 

I’ve reset my clock ahead to the time I need to be in right here and right now.