Surviving

There is a whole lot of living left to do.  Funny how I have not really thought like this before with as much passion.  The other day an acquaintance died.  He committed suicide.  Just one year older than me and something was so awful he felt the need to end his life without a fight.  Why?
I have been through troubled times that rocked my world, too.  I would not have ever wanted to cause such grief for my family.
Having dreams no matter what they are is so important.  Going through with it and experiencing the joy it brings helps you recover.  It does not have to be much but an alternative to your daily grind can really refresh you and make you feel better.  I have cried as I walked after dark so no one would stop and ask me what was the matter.  By the time I got home, I felt a burden lifted as I showered and felt the tension run down the drain.
Baring your soul of things that have bothered you way too long is good, too.  Someone to listen in an unbiased way. Or just write it out and keep going until you feel lighter mentally.  Read it over.  Tear it up, burn it or keep it.  There are no rules for purging demons in your mind.
When I decided to sell my home after my husband died it surprised me that I was thinking it.  I thought I was fine right where I was.  Surrounded by the familiarity of our lives together.  It did not bother me one bit.  But my family had problems.  It was too hard and sad and the home had lost it's meaning without him there.  So, I made the decision to clean it out.  Sell things and pack others.  It was a very tough and big job.  But having my plan actually being acted out gave me direction.  I did not have time for feeling selfish, sad or drowning in grief. I had to survive and live.
As much as people want to help, there is only so much they can do.  It must be your journey to find a way to live a new future.
Empower yourself when you feel like you are doubting yourself.
Go ahead and decide to change things up.  Get away to someplace new and refreshing.  Allow yourself to feel happy. Enjoy easy and simple things.  Don't push yourself if you are not up to it right then.  But don't ignore it long.
Call people because more than likely they want to call and are afraid of disturbing you.  For God's sake, dusturb me, I'm still alive, barely.  I want and need the intervention more than the solitude.  Get out and about.
We are alone and don't want to be.
We are torn in half and realize we need help but don't ask.  That gets old quickly.
Happiness is the long term goal as I plan ahead.  Whats next?
One trip, hug, card, call, deed, word
step at a time.
I'm good because I have many who
genuinely care, including myself.
Cathy

Fear

Do you know how to be alone?
It’s a way of life for millions of people either by choice or thrust upon them.
It’s maybe something you have only experienced when you were young and first left home for college or a new job away from your home town.
You pull in all your resources to get you by. Did your parents prepare you? Will I have enough money? Can you manage? These are questions so many will ask themselves. As you go along in life you gain speed and momentum. People are added to your circle of life. You can branch out and really discover who you are and what you can do on you own. Later, when you feel assured you can handle life you might commit to a life relationship with someone. You might go further and add pets and children to care for. You empower yourself and, in so doing, you mature.
The first time I ever fended for myself was when I became widowed at age 59. That was five years ago now. I’m turning a corner finally.
You’d think I would be ready.
Well actually, no I wasn’t in many ways.  I had a good job and made good money. I had worked and managed several employees and departments. I knew how to manage my funds and run a household alone. I raised children in a home where my spouse was gone for long durations with the military. I was giving myself more challenges and accomplishing goals. I was an active person with many friends. I knew my way in the world. So, what was the problem?
Fear and not wanting to admit it.
How can life ever get better? It’s as if you have run out of gas and have stalled on an unknown road far from home.
There will be a day in your future just like I describe. You will be afraid, too.
You will survive. You will be ok again. Faith in yourself will return.
But the one thing that remains constant is that you have changed. You are in another phase of your life that you can accept or have a long standing hate relationship with. No one deserves that.
Love yourself and move forward. Always move forward.
Cathy

Cloud Of Images

I was just thinking of days gone by. It’s easy to do that on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 

I realize that I have lived in this town 37 years. That’s a long time for a former military brat and military wife who was used to relocating every few years.

Our girls are privileged to have spent the majority of their lives here. They have raised their families here and have roots I never had. 

I look around at my small home and some things I have kept because they are so precious that take me back in time. Photos are my favorite. Styles of the time of hair and clothes, cars and furniture stamp the date on the memory. I can almost hear your voice saying “cheese!”

I have thousands of photos. 

Often I wonder why I have so many. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be kicked off the CLOUD for having too many stored there! The images are locked into space floating through the heavens. Maybe some images can be seen by you. 

Do you see me here? Do you visit with me as I think about  you and days gone by? I can only hope that is true. 

When we lose someone in our lives it’s a hard thing to accept. Their physical presence was such an important part of our daily lives. However, until they are removed physically from us do we realize just how important those photos and memories of days gone by mean. 

Love deeply and strive to be happy. 

Enjoy time and become someone’s favorite memory. 

Cathy

Just Being Me

The day I became "just me" was the day I made a decision and knew it was the best one for me and my future.

Just being me means that my independence relies on allowing myself to listen to my inner voice. It's not being selfish as it may imply. You'll still merge ideas with others before making some choices.

But too many outside opinions force one to doubt themselves and their ability to make a sound choice on their own. 

Think out loud to yourself when you are alone. Write it down and see the thought appear on paper. It will become real to you as you read it back to yourself. 

Commit to making it happen at some point in your life. 

To ignore it is to diminish your self worth. 

Cathy

Enduring Love

When dreams tonight invade your mind

And your eyes can not see the light 

Your mind will wander lonely roads

Down lost paths you will roam

In my arms you must cry

To release the pain you feel tonight

In the morning it will be clear

That love is needed and always near

So be brave and close your eyes

Lean on me to make things right

I'm with you though thick and thin

Someone you can always believe in

Cathy Windham

Linger A While

Linger A While

By Cathy Windham

Be still and linger in my mind awhile

The days of longing are over

Yesterday's dreams became tomorrow's  improbabilities 

Nevertheless remember the days that were

Be happy in the thought that 

moments happened that you are reminded of today

Many days will pass and years will change you

But your heart will always remain unchanged and in fact will be fuller

So come and linger in my mind awhile

Be happy there with me

Inside Your Dreams

There are a few things you can only do for yourself.

One is to observe. 

Stand back and take a good look at whatever is in front of you. Pay attention to detail. Notice the small things that make up the whole image. 

Are there layers underneath you don't see? Why would that be important? Because, without a foundation, something may just be imaginary or a dream.  It may not last and crumble from sight. One tiny thing holds the others into place. 

The next is making a plan.

Plans are ideas of our mind. The collected observations. The categorized accumulation of imagination. They are the seeds of the pod. We nurture our plans over time to bring them to life.

Plans often require intervention. Changes to reflect an inspired outcome. Plans can fold. They can be stored quite some time and yet be brought out, dusted off and rejuvenated. Ah, plans. There are no limits to how many we can have. But only a few make it all the way. You need a library of plans in your life.

The last is discovery. Discovery is finding the way and all those observations and dreams

coming into focus. Realization that no matter what you thought or saw or pieced together could be touched. Handled with care and cherished because it was yours.

Raw materials reinvented into tangible structures that shelter you as you dream of new plans to come.

Cathy Windham