Starting Over

When you want to start over where is the beginning?

I’ve asked myself this question a million times over the last eight years. 

I mean it’s not like one day everything you knew as normal could suddenly change but it did. 

Life as I knew it had stopped even though I saw and knew it was coming.  How do you get beyond that moment? How do you choose to live differently than before? 

It sure isn’t easy I’ll tell you. 

For months and years I went through the changes I was experiencing. I was evolving yet still felt stuck back on the last day of what was my other normal life. A scratched record...

So many say “you’ll find your new normal.” How can you really do that without your tag to the past?

Bravery is one way to push through your sorrow. Stiff upper lip mode around others who think you are doing fine yet crumble under the pressure of silence at night alone. 

You grieve in solitary confinement. You’ll grieve your loss forever. Tears will dry and your lips will eventually smile again but not quite the same. You are different. 

Your motivation to change your state of happiness is a slow evolution.

At some point you may realize this cycle is one you might be in forever. It becomes your new status quo. But for many others it becomes a pivotal moment of rediscovery. 

You allow yourself to feel and experience life again like you dreamed of long ago. You have to buy your own ticket to your future. 

There may be a time when 

someone else helps you realize that the days ahead can be good again. Happy looked good on you before why not again? But don’t rely on that. You alone are responsible for how much of yourself you give away. Don’t take from someone’s dream unless you can help contribute to theirs. 

Like a train that jumps the track, your life can run off course again. Why is there doubt? Is it driven by fear? 

Trust is another component. Are you trusting not only of your intentions but of someone else’s?

Trust is hard to identify and you may not be happy to find out the honest truth even though you have invested yourself and lots of your time to find out if it really exists.  

Then when it’s dashed you feel broken in two just as before. Yet you try to mend despite it because you know you’re worthy and maybe a happy life is just around the corner. Have faith. 

Your life is a melody. It starts out slow and has moments of crescendo along the way. 

There are verses that may repeat themselves. There will be a story in your tune. 

It may be happy and yet sad at the same time. 

Once written you can replay it over and over memorizing each word. 

Starting a new life song takes courage. 

Step out of your comfort zone, repeat a few cherished cords and create a new ending... one that makes you hum the tune and reflect your healed heart. Keep working on the lyrics with each new person and experience you have as you start over. 

Cathy

Be The Keeper

We are enriched by those we have loved and lost. I keep all that was good about them in me. I’m reminded of them every time I hear a favorite song or see a special place we enjoyed. 

Truly blessed to be the keeper until it’s time to turn them and myself over to others. Until then smile though your heart aches. ❤️

Happy Fathers Day

Being a widow on Fathers Day is hard. Hard knowing that the father of your children is not here to witness a great family celebration for him. 

It’s bitter sweet. The memories the photos the the quiet moments with them sleeping in your arms. He was supposed to always be here to help them. 

You were the person who fixed most everything. Your calm voice and arm around their shoulder. The voice of reason and clarity. Those are missed. 

The guiding hand on the bicycle seat and the lessons from the passenger seat while learning to drive gave reassurance of safety. 

Your instinctive ability to know what was right and ability to help you realize “why” when it was not. 

Adult children looked up to you to help with their growing children. You gave them a mans perspective on life. 

You opened the door to a side of you they could relate to over a cold beer or cup of coffee. 

So to all those dads who made a huge difference in your children’s lives and you are now the lone parent, Happy Fathers Day! 

Do what he would he gave wanted to do today in his honor. 

Cheers to dad!

Why Can’t Somebody Keep Me Safe?

Sounds like a song title, doesn’t it?
I’m laying in bed late at night wondering why this hit me so hard at this moment.
I’m happy or at least I have been striving to be happy for several years now. Why tonight?
Maybe it’s because of this isolation I’m in. The Covid-19 pandemic affecting our whole world for the past few months.
It has literally tilted our world and wrecked havoc on society. Nothing is the same and every day it is so confusing.
I am alone a lot. I know I am not the only one feeling like this. It’s very depressing to say the least. Many have died. Mostly those with underlying medical conditions.  I am blessed with good health and a knowledge of how to navigate through a world of dangerous pathogens.
No cure for it and no vaccine for some time.
So why do I cry?
I want security like everyone else does.
I want reassurance that life will be carefree again.
Spontaneous and effortless in a sense. I want my normal back that I fought so hard to have after loss.
It’s hard, I can’t lie. I won’t pretend it does not affect me. I try not to let it show on the surface how concerned I am.
My kids, my grands future world is in a world of uncertainty.
Please, let there be a way to make our world safe again.
I need to know that working on my future is an important goal.
It’s hard to do that alone.

I Miss You

I miss waking up and seeing you still asleep

I miss you making promises you intended to keep

I miss you in my dreams as I sleep 

I miss you wiping my tears as I weep 

I miss being enclosed in your warm embrace

I miss your kiss after lifting the veil from my face

I miss the days we had and all the days ahead

I miss the afternoon naps as we lay on the bed

I miss wondering what you are thinking

I miss us on the back porch drinking

I miss the shine in your eyes as we look to the sky

I miss days that become nights with you by my side

I miss walking the beach at low tide

I miss all these things 

I miss you

Be At Peace

True love lasts forever and hurts forever, too. One thing I learned is time can be revisited in our mind. We won’t ever have that time back but it remains imprinted on our mind and heart. So, although our loved ones and others are no longer with us today, they remain forever looking and being at their best forever. That gives me peace.
I hope it will give you peace also. ☮️😘

Looking Back

Looking Back
by Cathy Windham

Where does the time go?
I used to have so much.  Days lasted
forever.  Once when I was sick with the flu, I swore I thought I would never get well.  After that, it was exam week and I was certain each day of torture would never end.  The day I missed the bus lasted forever until I could explain to my dad when he got home from work.  That day was especially long.  Snow days lasted for days!  I remember playing all day and well into the night.  I had no clue what time it was.  The kids down the street stayed little forever in my mind.
Time ticked by and I did not notice.
The first time the clock snuck up on me I was graduating college and marrying the following week.  Planning my wedding, studying, exams and graduation occured the same week.  It was over before I could blink.  State Board exams, cooking, cleaning, finding a job and working happened in unison.  Children, working, wife, cleaning and gym mom consumed my days.  Years marched on like weeks.
Disease diagnosis slowed the days to
a standstill as we breathed slowly
and tried to take it all in and make the most of each precious minute together.
Where does the time go?  It evaporated like the mist on my bathroom mirror.

Cathy Windham
8/17/14