Roll On

One day I'll get up
And decided to go
To travel someplace special
I really do not know

I'll get in the car and
Fill up on the way
I'll roll down the windows
I don't know where I'll stay

The wheels will roll along highways and dirt trails
Over hilltops and bumpy roads
I'll pull over when I want to
I won't haul a very big load

I might drop in and see you
I just might stay a day or two
Because traveling the future involves friends from the past
That certainly would include you

So if you are home as I come by
I hope you'll be happy, too
Seems our future is upon us
I'll keep dreaming of visiting you

Cathy
11/22/15

Nor'easter Beach

Come down to the sea

Where the breeze blows your hair wildly.

Where you walk along the shore with your pants rolled up swinging your shoes beside you.

The wave hits the sand and travels over your toes and a spray of mist flies up that you can taste on your lips.

Walk along looking down at the ancient treasures the ocean has washed.

Glistening crystals like diamonds leave perfect chevron patterns as the water recedes in tiny bursting bubbles of foam.

Sit on the dune pulling your sweatshirt over your knees.

Watch the gulls hover above like kites.

Let your eyes close a moment and hear waves crashing. 

When you open them you will know you are in a perfect moment.

Come down to the sea with me.

Cathy Windham

Amazing how you just read my mind!  No kidding, I was just thinking of the lonely journey I've been on the past few years. When we begin to think of those we loved and now miss, it is almost a chemical reaction that occurs. The two are polar opposites and you don't know which way to go because both forces are so strong. They only way to cope with being suspended in the middle of these emotions is to cry. You can't say one is more important than the other. It's confusing and acts like quick sand.

Hard To Say

The most important things are the hardest to say....
This is at the epicenter of all truth.
Reality checks clean the clutter away. 
All will experience love and loss of some kind in their lifetime. It will occur many times.
Can you hear your heart as you look into the eyes of trust?
Once you do, the clouds will cushion your free fall.
Fear will make you heavy and you will hit hard.  But, trust will allow your wings to soar and discover freedom!
"I love you" is the most wanted and feared phrase. 

Cathy Windham

Hanging Out

Boaters And Beer Floaters
Hanging out by the dock
Tatooed women swaying to the music
It's half past five o'clock

I sip my bad habit
As the waitress brings your beer
Girls swinging with their daddy
To the rhythm on the pier

Beer buzzing like bees
to the warm salt breeze
My mind is in the moment
There's no time quite like these

She picks up found sunglasses
And perches them on her face
Looking up at the bright sun
Never want to leave this place

Petal

A petal fell from the flower and landed with a silence as quiet as a last breath.

It was a beautiful blossom.  So soft and satin smooth.  The color only slightly faded.

It unfurled it's grandeur like a time lapse photo.  It came alive and moved as if dancing to music.

The candles were lit and the crystal reflected the love of the flower that just died.

Life's Milk

Moon beams sing a lullaby
As dew settles on web
The night glistens with stars
Mother cradles soft head

Lips gently graze the crown
Of ringlets spun like silk
A chubby hand kneads the breast
Love gives life's sweet milk

Endless cycles of day and night
When cries call out to dark
Time wraps the two as one
Into the future they embark

Traveling Backwards

Traveling Backwards

I learned to ice skate when I was five.  We lived in Ulen, Minnesota.
It's an itty bitty speck on the border near Fargo, ND.  My mother and us five kids lived there the year my dad was in Turkey with the Army.

There was a small shallow frozen pond as I recall.  It was bumpy and there were ridges cut into it's surface from more experienced skaters.  I remember the laces on the skates were dirty and they were too big on my feet.  I got them on wearing a couple pair of thick socks to take up the extra space.  I had on a bulky coat, hat and wet mittens.  Just standing up was a monumental feat.
I stood there very still on the ridgid surface afraid to move.
Others whisked by me.  All I could manage was to move backward.
I tried to pick up my skate and promptly fell.  The surface was wet and cold getting my pants soaked all the way through.  I got on my knees and stood up again and in so doing, the tips of the blades met like I was pigeon toed.  As I got my balance again, one blade pushed out and scooted back.  Compensating with my arms wide to the side to help I traveled backward and then the other foot did the same move.  Next thing you know I'm skating backwards!

That was the same year I learned to ride my brother's bike that did not have a seat.  Somehow I believed from a dream I had that I could ride that bike.  The next morning still in my pj's I managed to do it.

I did not get to take lessons to hone any skills. I played and learned from watching others
do things that looked fun.

I think a tenacious spirit to succeed and overcome obstacles has helped me so much.  Having fun was the goal.  Not just with  these childhood feats but with dealing with some of my life's most challenging moments.

My goal is still to seek the fun in life, but now I'm able to travel forward knowing that what is behind me will cushion any fall.

I Left You At The Shore

The last wave I saw curled a little at the edges.  It was dark gray with a white beard.  Old man of the sea.  He was angry today.
Growling and throwing punches that carved at the banks.
I walked along holding my jacket close as the wind blew at my back and sent sheets of sand ahead of my feet.
The water was cold and tiny bubbles burst when they hit the sand.
Looking ahead I saw a brave gull.
He flew an erratic path until meeting with another among the sea oat curtain.
Why I was there can't be answered.
I was looking for my foot prints from before.
I saw a small one and remembered when my child scampered this beach.
I saw a car tread and remembered innocent lovers watching the sunset from the front seat.
My bicycle used to roll on the packed sand and take me further than I cared to stroll.
Was it yesterday that you smelled like suntan lotion and salt?
I strolled along the sand that has belonged to this haven
since God created it.
My feet carry away specks of grit that cling to my toes.
Some are carried inside and find their way into my shoes.
Each grain a memory of where I have travelled.
I will return when seas are calm
and waves are clear.
You will still be there.
Cathy
2.28.15

Find some measure of happiness in every aspect of your life. It may not be perfect, but it is your life and happiness ultimately is yours to find. Each day, look for a little peace, find a reason to smile, realize you have more than someone else, and thank those in your life who make the ride worth taking.

I just finished reading this on a another blog called One Fit Widow.  The author, Michelle talks about her evolution of grief during her second Thanksgiving without her husband.  Today is that day for me.

What I have come to realize is that my future, whether or not my husband had died, would be changing on a daily basis anyway.  The difference is I don't have his influence or input in helping me guide my days.  So, I have to learned to empower myself. I give myself permission.  I start without hesitating.  I finish with a personal pride that I am in control.  I still want approval but no longer feel a guilt for just listening to my inner voice.

Lets Stay Together

We met April 5, 1972 at the NCO ( Non Commissioned Officers)  club at Ft. Belvoir, VA.

Jimmy and his brother Jerry were there.  Two guys from Midland City, AL

all the way up there.  Jerry was in the AL National Guard on his annual reserve duty..  Jimmy was on temporary duty to Patch River, MD.   Brothers meeting and having some drinks and enjoying the live music.  Talking just a few tables away.

I went to the club that night reluctantly.  My brother, George and his first wife Pat were staying at my parents house while their town home was being built

in Fredericksburg, VA.  They insisted that I go out, but I was busy.  I needed to study for a nursing exam on Monday.  They would keep pestering me to go and finally I said yes.  I changed into a cute outfit I had made not long before.  The styles of the seventies were fun.  Bell  bottom pants and a tunic top in navy blue with a geometric pattern.  I had long hair to the middle of my back and I kept it straight that night.  Gold hoop earrings a little lip gloss and eye make up.

I really didn't want to go and be a third wheel.  It made me uncomfortable to go to a club.  I was 18 and although I had gone out a little to Georgetown with some friends, I really didn't care for it that much..

My friends around home were few.  We had moved back to VA from Stuttgart, Germany where dad was last stationed when he retired.  It was in August and I went right into my senior year at Edison High School.

I remembered a few of the kids from earlier elementary years but never felt like I fit into the High school scene there.

All my good friends I had met and  left in Stuttgart.  I was a varsity cheerleader there from 9th  - 11th grade.  Football, basketball and wrestling games.  Classes, notes, lockers, bus rides, ski trips, gummi bears, German beer!    I even dated a guy named Craig that was from Alexandria, VA and had lived on our street when we were little kids!  His dad was Army, too.  Small world to meet again that far away.  I dated some other great guys  like Stan, John and Charles.  Life was fun but then we moved back to the States like all military brats do at some time in their parents career path and started all over again.

After graduation in 1971, at age 17, I enrolled that fall at NOVA and was accepted into their nursing program.  It was an intensive program that would have a full load of classes 15-18 hrs a quarter and go a continuous 24 months.  When completed you were able to take the State Board exam to become a Registered Nurse.

I had enjoyed being a candy striper teen volunteer in Germany at the Army hospital.  I worked in the OR area and learned how to pack the various surgical trays that were then sent to the autoclave for sterilization.  I delivered the OR schedule to the various departments and even got to watch a surgery.  It impressed me to watch them work and I suppose nursing was what I would do one day.

Jimmy went to Navy boot camp in Sept of 69 and finished training in December.  He was stationed at NAS Glynco, GA.  There he was a jet engine mechanic for four years.  That was right up his alley as he loved anything fast like jets and cars!

Growing up in AL in the 60's had to have been a young boys dream.  All the great muscle cars of the era were hitting the streets for racing each other.

Who had the best bad ass car?  Jimmy of course!  He loved his Chevelle Super Sport painted lemonwood yellow.  Which for those who do not know, is a beautiful creamy pale yellow.  It had an all black interior and a large block V-8 Chevy engine.

He knew every part of that  car and many others.  Stats on engine performance, correct accessories, exact facts like he had memorized the  manual for each model.

He knew all about jets, too and naval ships.  I thought often as he would recite,

"hey, there goes a 66 Shelby Mustang or a F-15", he was the smartest guy I ever knew!

He was also known to have a luckiness about him that never ceased to amaze everyone.  He would get into predicaments growing up and even later in life and come out unscathed.  Lucky.

In high school I did not know him.  I was 18 and he was 22 when we met that night.  

I remember being asked to dance.  It was a song I had not heard before.

Let's Stay Together by Al Green.  The band playing that night was great, in my mind it seemed to be the perfect song at the perfect moment.  God, was he cute!  I'm thinking to myself, wow!  So we danced some more slow songs.  

He was a terrible fast dancer, so I guess that worked out in both our favors as it felt great to be held close and moving slow.   I did not know him, but as the evening went on and we talked about ourselves and with Jerry, George and Pat, it was as though I had known him a long time.  

When it was time to leave, Jimmy asked if he could drive me home.  I told him since I had come  with George he would have to ask him.  It was agreed that it would be ok but, only if we followed them back to the house.

So, we followed them for a little while.  We got to the shopping center and he says, "I'm hungry!"  I tell him to take a shortcut though he parking lot.  Bam, we hit a pot hole.  Some cuss words were said, then he said, "sorry, you probably don't cuss!"  I said " oh, yes I do when the moment is right!"  I guess he liked that answer.  I scored a point with him just on the merit of a slipped cuss word!  Neither of us used bad language very often, we really tried hard not to and especially not to each other.  I can honestly say that in the whole time we were together we had very few arguments.  

Now the wheel is out of alignment and he still has to get me back to the house and then back up to Maryland.

Whomp, whomp , whomp is the sound it makes as we are going slow.  Trying not to make matters worse.  When we get to my house, the lights are out.  We sat in the car maybe another hour.  I still remember how his lips felt so soft.  I was

mush.  He walked me to the door.  Another kiss, this one much better! Whoa!

" Can we go out next Saturday?", he asks.  "Yes" I answer.  I wrote my phone number on his hand with my pen.

Inside, everyone was asleep so I went on to bed thinking, he probably won't  call, there will be something that comes up and  we will never see each other again.  God, was he cute!

On Wednesday night he calls.  I tried not to pick up on the first ring, but, I wanted the phone to ring on Monday or Tuesday!  He had to take his car in for the wheel realignment.  He would pick me up on Friday night about 7 pm.

Friday evening about 5:00 he calls.  I'm thinking, ok, here we go, he's going to tell me the date is off because of car or some other excuse.

No, I'm wrong.  He says please tell your parents I have to pick you up only wearing a tee shirt with my slacks.  Apparently he left his other shirt in his buddy's car when he dropped him off to get his car from the shop.  I didn't see that as a problem so I told mom about it.  Now, remember this is 1972 and there were still a lot of dating rules.  One I  knew was any boy was going to have to be clean cut!  No long hair, ironed tucked in shirt and put together.

Well, Jimmy sure was clean cut but the shirt snafu scored nothing with dad.  Dad was nice but Jeanine told me later he was really pissed off he came to meet them in a tee shirt!  We did stop at Sears and bought a new shirt!

We went downtown into Georgetown and went to a club called The Cellar Door.  Kris Kristopherson  was playing.  Good soft music to listen to.  No dancing.  Just talking, talking,  talking.  He told me about his family and his little home town Midland City, Alabama.  I loved his southern accent and he laughed at my lack of one.  " You'll  laugh if I tell you my middle name."  " No I won't", I say.  "It's Roscoe.."  I had never heard that name before and although it was different, it fit him.  I did not laugh.  I didn't dare ruin anything now.  Jimmy ( not James) Roscoe Windham.

I had to be home by 1:00 am.    It was a great night. But I got home at 1:30am.

The next weekend we made plans to return to the NCO club..  When he came to the door, I wasn't allowed to go because I had arrived home late on the last date!  I did not have a phone number to call him and he was busy all week with work so had not called.

Living at home  sucked!  He didn't care when I told him we had to stay home.

He came in and we spent the evening watching some tv, talking and sitting out on the porch.  Sometimes the simple times are the best.  You can really be yourself.  

So, this went on for  several weeks and one evening he calls and says, "I need to tell you something."  " Tell me", I say.  "No, I need to tell you in person", he said.  " You're married, aren't you?"  "No!"  "I'll explain when I get there".  It is a Tuesday night, he gets there and we go out to the car to talk.  " Remember when I told you I was stationed in Maryland?"  "We'll that is only partly true."

"I'm there only temporarily and stationed permanently at NAS Glynco, Ga.  I have to leave in two weeks."

I sat there and listened to his  confession.  I didn't know what to say other than we would work it out somehow if he really wanted to stay together.  There it was again, that song we liked  "Lets Stay Together."

That weekend we went to Rehobeth Beach and got a room!  Ok, I was in love with him!  He acted in love with me.  We'll have to see if we could do this long distance.

When he had to leave, I wondered if he really meant what he had told  me.

That I was different than any other girl.  He would be back in a month.

He called during the weeks in between on a Sunday evening.

Jerry returned to Alabama and told his parents  and brother about me and said, " Jimmy is going to marry that girl, Cathy, next year!"

Jimmy came back, month after month.  The drive was about 650 miles each way.  He would leave after work on Friday and return on Sunday leaving no later than 11:00 am.  Later he told me he barely ate so he could save money for gas and a hotel room for us!  

I plugged along with nursing school and he was busy with work, too.  Time passed slowly when apart and fast when together.  It was fun just being together.

We did a lot of simple and cheap things while dating.   He was allowed to stay when he visited in the downstairs bedroom and of course I snuck down there when I knew the coast was clear!  We went out to the park in Springfield or into Old Town Alexandria or the NCO Club.

We'd get a room, drink some cheap wine and have a great time.

We were in love,  at least I knew I was!

I went to Alabama that summer during our break at school.  My, God,  I had never eaten such good home cooking in all my life!  My mom was a good cook but it sure wasn't southern comfort food like his mom, Olga and granny, Daisy cooked!  Piles of buttermilk biscuits, a roast, potatoes and  carrots, butter beans, fried okra, fresh squash, chicken and dumplings, sliced bright red tomatoes from the garden.

When they would ask what I thought of something  I'd say, "well it's different",

if it was something I didn't like.  Most of the time it was, "delicious!"

That Christmas of 72 Jimmy arrived later than usual.  He knocked on my window outside the front door to wake me up.  He came in and sat on the old couch my parents had forever.  He acted like he was going to take his jacket off but instead got down on one knee, reached into his pocket and pulled out a diamond ring and said, " Will you marry me?"

"Yes",  is all I could get out of my mouth before he about crushed me on the couch!  My parents either had the sense of mind to stay put or were out cold.

We laid on the couch a long time just holding each other, kissing and making promises we both intended to keep.

We set the date for June 16, 1973.  Just six months away!  I was graduating from Nursing School the weekend prior.  As a coincidence, Jerry and Gayle's anniversary was the same date but 6 yrs prior.

The diamond was small but very pretty.  It had been his mother's first diamond and he had it set and then she mailed to to him inside a box that also had a pound cake.  She had wrapped  the ring box in tin foil and put it in the hole in the center of the cake.   Pretty smart.

All girls dream of marrying.  I didn't really think of it till I met Jimmy.  

I bought a Brides magazine and started looking for a dress I liked.  I knew my mom would sew one just as beautiful as those in the book.  She was a master seamstress.  I picked a full skirt that had a shimmering organza  overlay skirt.  The bodice was heavy Austrian lace and a satin sash at the waist.  I then sewed individual Austrian  lace flowers on the short train.  Mom made the head piece out of the lace and the edge of my neckline on the dress had  pearl trim.

It was beautiful.

The bridesmaid and Maid of Honor dresses were pink and yellow floral with a little cape sleeve effect and had a high waistline. 

My sister, Jeanine was Maid of Honor and Jo Yount was my bridesmaid.  Jerry was Best Man.  Dan Myers and Dave Secrest were the groomsmen.

The Windham family drove from Alabama for the ceremony.  All except Jimmy's dad who said he had to stay home because one of his sows was going into labor.  " WHAT? " I never heard of such a stupid excuse in all my life!

Incredible!  But as years raced on, I found this was not unusual behavior for them.  Drive for hours, visit a few hrs and drive home!  Really! Are you kidding me?

We had the ceremony at the St. Lawrence Catholic Church.  I had to attend a month of premarital classes but Jimmy met with the base Chaplain in GA, was given a little pamphlet, told to read it and got signed off.  There's that luck again!

We had our reception at home.  It was a small house but we had lots of neighbors and friends over.  It wasn't overwhelming and seemed to fit perfectly with our lifestyle and the Windham family, too.  We had a great time.  

On our way out of town, we were about two hours south on I95 I asked if he had put that grocery sack that had all my shoes into the car along with my suitcase.

"Yes ", to suitcase, "no" to paper bag.  I only had the shoes on my feet.  They were heels and we we were on our way to Panama City Beach , Fl for a week.

I just got married and I'm already almost barefoot and heading south! 

 I felt panicked but he said we would stop somewhere and  buy

 some more shoes.

Now you would think I would have made that determination on my own, but my folks were cheap. I didn't have any money of my own.  So, the thought of just going nonchalantly and buying a new pair of shoes was out of my league!

The beach was beautiful.  The sand was as white and  fine as sugar crystals.  The water was a clear pale green and blue.  There was an area Jimmy called the Miracle Strip.  He used to drive down to the beach sometimes with some guys to drink beer and look at girls along the Miracle Strip when they were teens.

The room was a normal room but right on the ocean.  I loved my guy and my first week of marriage was bliss.  

We rented a small 1 bedroom 1 bath trailer in Brunswick, Ga.  It could fit in the bedroom and bathroom I have now!  Jimmy worked in the daytime and extra at night at the fuel depot driving the trucks that refuel all the jets.  I studied for my state board exam.  Right after July 4th I flew up to Virginia, took the two day exam and flew home to wait on the results.  Back then you had to wait 3 months to know if you had passed or not.

In the meantime we drove home to Midland City to visit family.  One day a friend of his

Randy and his wife Sammie, Jimmy and I went out to Dowling's farm.  By the way, that is pronounced "Da Lin!"  We found some stray puppies and took them home.

We fed the pup and tried to train him and walk him.  He was the dumbest dog on earth!

I took him for deworming and shots.  He threw up in the car on a hot August day and with the constant stink in the air from the paper mill in Brunswick, the sulphur water from the hose and the puke, I got sick, too!  

I remember crying that night.  Jimmy wanted to know what was the matter as he hated crying especially since it was me.  I told him about the incident with the dog, the stress of waiting to hear on the exam, feeling lonely and depressed with no real friends, especially girlfriends.  All girls need that!  He just held me and said it would get better.  We were going to go to Alabama when he got out of the Navy in September.  He would be home more and we would get a better place to live.  

We had been saving our spare change for ages and one day I came home with a big Snoopy

piggy bank for us to collect it in.  It was pretty heavy so counting it out one rainy day we had several hundred dollars saved.  We bought our first color tv and a small radio, too!

It helped me during the day and evenings when Jimmy was working.

For years we continued to save our change at the end of every day.  

I found out that I had passed the board exam and was granted a license to practice in AL.

On Sept 5, 1973 at the age of 19 yrs I got a job at General Hospital  in Dothan, Al.

My pay was 3.25/hr.  Salaries were much lower in AL than anywhere.  Besides I was inexperienced.  Jimmy and I didn't care.  We felt rich!

I worked at night.  Jimmy worked with his family's landscaping business in the day and

returned to college in the evening on the GI Bill to get his BS degree in Criminal Justice.

We did that for several years and had only two Friday's  off together out of a six wk schedule.  In the meantime, our daughter Lauren Catherine Windham arrived on

May 31. 1975.  We couldn't be happier and more in love than ever with our new baby girl.

Jimmy was a fool over her!  There is nothing he wouldn't do to help care for her. Always changing her, feeding,  playing, bragging.  He was so proud to be a daddy!

The economy was tanking.  Gas prices were through the roof and we had just bought a gas guzzler!  I hated that car and was glad to get rid of it and get a VW bug.  It was yellow and we drove it all over the place.  He drove it more because traveling to school in Troy and back was a journey.  

One of my most favorite memories about that car was going to the beach with some friends Michael and Brenda.  On the way we cranked up the radio and Elton John was singing "Bennie and the Jets!"  To this day when I hear that song I think of the fun we had

in Panama City getting sunburned.

Jimmy got  his degree and attended the Dothan Police Academy.  He finished his training and started work.  They did not compensate for him having his degree in Criminal Justice.  He told me he could care less and it would come in handy later down the road.

He worked evenings and I worked at night.  We had bought a new trailer that we kept on his parents property at first then had it moved down the street across from his brother Jerry's house.  It was a nice wooded lot with cheap rent.  Much better.

Lauren was growing up and I had a friend who babysat her named  Deborah Woodham.

Her husband Roy was also a police officer.  When Deborah couldn't babysit anymore because she was having a baby, we got a sweet couple from her church who's daughter

Denise helped take care of Lauren.  They really loved and spoiled her.

One afternoon when I woke up, Jimmy told he he had gone downtown to speak  with the Navy recruiter.  I guess he had been going there for awhile because he sounded so serious and had all his talking points ready.  I asked him if he wanted to go back in the Navy.

He said, "Only if you do."  I couldn't believe my ears.  "Yes, I do!"  

Coming from a military household it felt secure to me.  The pay and rank would be the same

as when he left and we could move on in life and make a better living for us.

He talked about his long term plan of going back as enlisted then applying for

Officers Training once in so he could be a Naval Officer.  I was so proud of him

and knew that as determined as he was he would make it happen.

It was the best decision besides getting married and having a child we could have ever made.

We moved to Millington, Tennessee for a training school then to Deland, Fl.  and very close to Daytona Beach. We loved Florida at first sight.  It was close enough that we could still drive home to AL to see the family.  I was working he was working and Lauren had a great baby sitter, too.  We were good.  

Jimmy applied for AOCS (Aviation Officers Candidate School) in Pensacola, Fl.

If you have seen the movie An Officer And A Gentleman, he was just like that.

He asked my father to commission him.  Only another decorated high ranking officer can do that duty.  My father was so proud of Jimmy.  He of course said he would and flew to Pensacola for the ceremony.  Mike, Jimmy's brother was also in the Navy as a Corpsman in Naples, Italy.  Jimmy asked him to be there to give him his first salute as an officer.  

Mike took leave and was there for his brother.  I have the most touching black and white

photograph of my father Col. Walter J. Hewitt shaking Ensign Jimmy R. Windham's

hand and Mike.  It is priceless. 

But, along the course of Jimmy's flight training there was a glitch.  He was too old (28 1/2) to be a pilot.  He could be a NFO ( Naval Flight Officer) instead.  He took it and started rigorous training to learn navigation for the pilots..  Only three weeks before graduation there was a grueling exercise in which they had to remain awake 

for about 36 or so hours and he had to plot the route for their final course assigned.

On the day he went to turn in his charts he saw that there was a minor error.  There was no time to correct it as he was next to present.  

I came home and found him crying in the living room.

I sat down on the floor and put my head in his lap and cried with him.  He never cried again like that that I know of.

He told me what had happened and although he got a pass on the assignment, it impacted him that in real time if that error had been made it could have meant someone would have crashed or been killed.

He decided to DOR ( Drop on Request).

My God, he had worked so hard.  At the time, there was another NFO who had DOR'd and they were not going to release him from the Navy.  He took the matter to court and won the case.  But the process took a whole year to resolve and in the meantime Jimmy had to stay in, too.  He wanted to anyway but it just wouldn't be in aviation.

I was pregnant again and due in August of 1978.  Wendy Jeanine Windham completed our perfect little family.  He doted on all his girls.  I was glad he would be staying in and staying for the time being in Pensacola area and close to home to visit.

He was assigned during that year to the JAG office.  That is the Judge Advocate General office.  With his degree in criminal justice he was a good fit over there but he was glad  to finally be assigned to go to Surface Warfare School.  Afterwards he was assigned to duty on the USS Luce in Jacksonville, Fl.  

Jimmy knew he had to make up for lost time.  As an enlisted man his four years counted toward his retirement but for rank advancement you needed sea duty.

He had none.  He had been in Glynco, GA his entire enlistment.

One ship after another. Five ships in a row over a ten year period of time he chose sea duty.  He was aboard the USS Luce, USS Edward McDonald,  Uss Starke, USS Ainesworth and USS  Platte.  He climbed the ranks of Ensign, Lieutenant,

and Lieutenant Commander.  By the time he retired we had lived in

Jacksonville, Fl, Newport, RI, Norfolk, Va and he had been stationed in San Diego, CA, Seattle, WA the Mediterranean and Persian Gulf.

There were some land locked assignment time, too, but it was mostly spent at sea.  He had caught up with his peer group who at the time of their enlistments were just 21 or 22 yrs old compaired to him being almost 29.

I bought a waterbed once as a surprise back in the 80's when they were so popular.  One of the limited motion ones.  He wasn't very happy about that having had to strap himself down at times aboard the ship in rough seas.

He was a good sport though and put up with the bed as long as I was in it!

Jimmy enjoyed his girls.  He would throw them up in the air in the pool.

He built them a gym out in our back yard to practice their gymnastics. It was complete with a balance beam, horizontal bar and mini trampoline.  They

loved it and him even more.

Jimmy retired from the Navy with twenty years of service and we built a house in St Augustine, FL.  

Over the years, we had taken Sunday afternoon drives wherever we were living.  We would stop at new housing developments and  look at the beautiful model homes.  I would get ideas and he would have ideas.  We saw a beautiful home in Virginia.  We loved the floor plan.  It was a two story farm house and had a wrap around porch.

I took some pictures so we wouldn't forget the features we like the most.

Before moving away from Jacksonville in 1987 to Norfolk, Virginia we were on one of those drives heading south to St. Augustine along US1.  It wasn't developed at all.  We saw a billboard advertising a new development called Quail Ridge Farms.  I jotted down the number and we stopped at a gas station and called about more information.  The realtor met us and took us for a drive around the vast wooded acreage behind Nease High School.  We loved it and could afford to buy a three acre lot.  By the time we left Virginia, we had paid off the lot and had our house plans drawn up to build that beautiful brick home with the wrap around porch on our property.

It was beautiful.  We did not have everything upscale but would work on that as the years went by.

Lauren was a senior and Wendy a freshman at Nease when we moved in August of 1992.  Jimmy stayed in Norfolk, Va until he retired Jan 1, 1993.  Yeah, twenty years!

Times were tight for us there.  Jimmy couldn't get hired in law enforcement because of a hiring freeze.  He put himself through the St. John's Police academy and never could get hired on full time.  He bought a tractor and blade and did landscaping work on his own for developers.  He made our home beautiful by doing all the work himself.   The sprinkler system, laying all the sod and digging out a beautiful pond with fountain out back.  We had a pool table upstairs in the game room for the girls and their friends to come over and hang out.  We made some nice friends in the neighborhood, too.  It was home.

Three years later he got called that he was hired by Duval County Sheriffs Office!  I remember the girls asking him if we could finally go shopping!

"Yes, take them shopping!"

We went to Sonny's barbecue one Sunday.  As we were eating he said,

" I think we should sell the house."  Boom, there it was.  I almost choked!

"No, not now, not after all this work!"  But after awhile it started to make more sense that we should.  We needed the college tuition and Jimmy could be assigned a police car if we lived  in Duval County and he would not have to commute so far to get a pool car and return it everyday and then drive the extra  miles home.  "Ok, we'll sell the house.."

We found a home in Mandarin, Florida.  A bit of fixing up.  It was brick, had a large lot with plenty of parking space.  The girls declared it a perfect "party house!"  They knew about such things.  We had money left over to pay off bills and manage our lives better.  Jimmy had made a hard call on that one, but it worked out well.

Staying Together, that song.  It meant so much for us to be able to do so many things for ourselves, our girls and our families.

Mom moved down from VA five years after dad passed away and about seven months after we moved to Mandarin.  It was nice to have her  here on the next street in a home she loved for the last ten years of her life.

Jimmy used to say, " Life after mom."  Meaning that we would have time to ourselves again since both girls were now married.  Not that it was bad or anything.  We made some long range plans.  We planned a big vacation for our Anniversary every five years.  We started out by going  to Aruba, then to St. Thomas and then Playa Del Carmen, Mx.  In between we made trips to the Florida Keys.  We made at least one to two trips there a year either by ourselves or with the whole family.  

We bought a few boats, one sank with a hurricane and a jet ski.

Life after mom was happening after March, 24, 2007. He loved her, too.

We enjoyed the Keys.  Life there was easy going.  Five o'clock somewhere

behavior!  Sunset cruises, crystal clear ice blue and green water.  Miles of beauty everywhere.  Atlantic on one side and Gulf of Mexico on the other side of the road.  Every single island like a precious string of gems on a necklace strewn across a pale  blue piece of satin.

There is a little island just off to the left of the seven mile bridge heading south on US1.  We used to take the boat or jet ski out there and hang out.  It was deserted with a small sandy beach on the west side and it's east side had a rocky tidal pool.  It was the perfect little place to wade out from the shore before the deep drop off.

No matter where we stayed in the Keys we loved it.

We took our nieces, Savannah and Catherine  and our grandson Jackson down there when the girls graduated High school.  Wendy got married there.  We stopped there on a cruise to the Bahamas.  We snorkeled, para sailed, drank rum runners and beer.  We enjoyed taking the sunset cruises, too.  One of the best pictures of him I took was as he came to a stop on the jet ski and raised his fist the air before jetting off in a huge spray of water toward the dock!  

We got too much sun but never had too much fun.

Jimmy bought a Harley.  I was very mad at him for doing that.  He knew I hated motorcycles!  I had a phobia about them since being badly injured as a child on one.  It never dawned on me he would just go and get one.  That hurt.

He made it up by buying me a pair of diamond earrings just as expensive as his damn bike!  Ha, I have always called my earrings Harley's!

Funny now but it wasn't then.

One of the trips Jimmy took on the Harley  was with his friend David Boyd in Oct 2008.

They trailered the bikes up to the Smokey mountains to ride the Dragon's Tail.

He had a cold when he got home.  I told him to irrigate his sinuses like the ENT doctor had told him to do since having sinus surgery the year prior.  He told me afterward that it had hurt.  That had never been the case before. 

The next evening when I returned home from work he said, " look at my neck!"

The right side of his neck was swollen from his jaw to his collar bone!

"Oh, my God, you have to go to the doctor!"  He had already made an appointment for the next day.  They put him on antibiotics for ten days.

The swelling improved but not enough so they wanted to do a neck node needle biopsy.  That was done on Dec 19, 2008 and was inconclusive but there were cells there they were concerned about.  On Dec 31, 2008 he underwent a surgical biopsy and removal of the neck node.  On January 9, 2009

our whole world came crashing down around us with a cancer diagnosis.

Both girls were pregnant.  We had to tell them and it was the most gut wrenching news to give them.

How can that happen to such a strong and active and fit man?  He was the picture of health that day on the jet ski with his fist in the air!

The study was still inconclusive because they did not know  what type of cancer this was.  It was suspected it originated in his tonsils.  He had a PET scan and a tonsillectomy.  It was stage IVc Nasopharangeal cancer.  Meaning up behind his sinus above your soft pallate at the roof of your mouth.  Taking an imaginary line from your ear to the bridge of your nose and then down through the top of your head.   At the intersection of those two points.  Smack dab in the middle of your head but not in the brain. Rare for the Caucasian race.  Predominant in Asia and Africa!  What? How in the hell do you get that type of cancer?  We will never know.  The PET scan showed distant bone metastasis to his pelvis and femurs.  

A week later he started extensive chemotherapy with three very harsh drugs.  It depleted his blood work so dramatically he was put in the hospital and put on reverse isolation for ten days.  He was violently sick..

All  he could do was lie still in the dark room.  I suited up in protective gear and sat vigil  with him.  I called his brother Mike and I told him how severely sick he was.

Mike knew as he is a nurse, too.  He got on the next plane from Kansas to be here for us.   

Staying Together.  "We shall endeavor to persevere!"  It was Jimmy's mantra.

He prayed to live long enough to see the newest grand babies born which was a grandson Chase in July and twin girls Kannon and Kate in August.  Jackson, his biggest buddy was five.

Many rounds of chemo, radiation, cyber knife procedures,  hospitalizations.  Up and downs along the way.  Losing all his hair, growing it back.   Getting strong again just to be beaten down again.

A short remission.  A chance to celebrate and return to police work.  He never

stopped.  He gave every ounce of himself to trying everything he could. Allergic reactions to drugs, heart rhythm disturbances, anorexia, weight loss, dehydration.

Horrific pain with the bone metastasis. Side effects from radiation. He kept going.

Babysitting all the kids!  He loved that part!

He retired from the police department in May, 2010 when the scan showed it was back.  

He had bought two years from him military service that counted toward his retirement.  He served our city of Jacksonville for seventeen years.  He enjoyed being a patrolman.  He never wanted to climb the ranks as he had enough of administration in the Navy.  

He retired on full disability.  

He started more chemo.  He kept going.

He got strength back, rode his Haley when he felt good and I went, too.

Then in October 2012 there was a chance the bone metastasis pain could be treated with a drug called Samarium.  It attacks only bone mets and since the scan in Sept 2012

he only had bone mets and no soft tissue or organ mets he was a candidate.

It was a one time radioactive IV injection.  Over the following twelve weeks no other chemo could be given as the effects on the blood from the Samarium were expected to be bad, but the pain  would be relieved.

Just the opposite happened.  The blood work looked terrific and his pain was worsening.

He was in the hospital in Dec 2012 for a few days due to the pain, constipation from the pain medicines and a hernia he developed while trying to go to he bathroom.

He went back in the hospital in January 2013 for his MRI on the spine and for IV pain management.

The  MRI showed a tumor through the vertebrae and into the spinal column.

So , not only does he have bone met pain, a hernia and a displacement of the vertebrae, he has a spinal tumor, too!

I discovered the displaced vertabrae on my own when I took a photo in the MD's office of the abdominal scan he had before going into the hospital for the possible bowel obstruction in December.  No radiologist or anyone had ever addressed this with us before.  Going back on prior scans there was never a mention of it way back to 2010.  You can see it is out of alignment at that level on earlier scans.  No wonder his pain was so severe.  No wonder he was having so many other symptoms.

Most people who have this problem end up with back surgery to stabilize it from shifting any further and causing increasing pain, bowel and  bladder problems, impotence, leg weakness, nerve impairment and risk of paralysis.

Jimmy had this.  All of this except paralysis.  But it was way too late for any thing to be done now. 

He came home on a huge amount of  pain medication and a steroid.  The pain was under control but he had to set his clock  and take one or the other pills every four hours.  He couldn't eat much or drink enough and weight was falling off him rapidly.

He had to start wearing depend underwear.

He was unable to sleep.  He couldn't sit, stand or lie down very long at a time.

When  he was in the hospital  he said,  "Honey, why don't you retire!"

It was like being asked to marry all over gain and I didn't hesitate as I said, "yes!"

Let's Stay Together played until his last day with me on February, 5, 2013 at

10:55 pm.

Met April 5, 1972

Married June 16, 1973

I'll love him and he will stay in my heart

forever and ever.

Cathy Windham

2/17/13

In The Depths

I was set adrift
on the surface of the sea
Winds blew and waves swelled
As they washed over me

Tumbling in the curls of foam
My life was gone, that I know
Bubbles swirling in front of me
Blackness now and can not see

The current grasped me in it's tow
down to depths one wouldn't know
Alone I settled on the floor
A sand sculpture forever more

Cathy Windham
In memory of all who rest at sea.

How many stars are in the sky?
How many tears will you cry?
The ocean clears the shore with
A wave.
We go ahead and strive to be brave.

Cathy Windham

Morning Lyrics

My thoughts turn to songs instead
The lyrics hum in my head
Yesterday's love is is here with me
Big tee, soft jeans with tear in knee

I cuddle up against the cold
Pour my coffee into a cup thats old
Your lips used to touched this rim
My eyes close
I breathe you in

Dreams come alive when I sing in my head
I'm wrapped in warmth in our bed
Wind and cold swirl outside
You in my heart is where I hide

Cathy