The Last Time We Held Hands

 I don’t know why but your hand slipped out of mine

As if it had no place there anymore 

It used to be quite effortless reaching out to feel the warmth of your palm in mine on a cold day

Sometimes in my sleep I would dream of being steadied by your hand only to wake and find my finders entwined with yours...comfort

It was the silent communication of touch as we walked on the beach that tethered our hearts as moonlit waves kept tempo with our hearts 

Then one day when I reached out you pulled your hand away 

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt the sting of silence between us

Today my hand is empty 

My fingers cannot feel

My steps are uncertain and

My sleep is disturbed

All because of the last time we held hands

Starting Over

When you want to start over where is the beginning?

I’ve asked myself this question a million times over the last eight years. 

I mean it’s not like one day everything you knew as normal could suddenly change but it did. 

Life as I knew it had stopped even though I saw and knew it was coming.  How do you get beyond that moment? How do you choose to live differently than before? 

It sure isn’t easy I’ll tell you. 

For months and years I went through the changes I was experiencing. I was evolving yet still felt stuck back on the last day of what was my other normal life. A scratched record...

So many say “you’ll find your new normal.” How can you really do that without your tag to the past?

Bravery is one way to push through your sorrow. Stiff upper lip mode around others who think you are doing fine yet crumble under the pressure of silence at night alone. 

You grieve in solitary confinement. You’ll grieve your loss forever. Tears will dry and your lips will eventually smile again but not quite the same. You are different. 

Your motivation to change your state of happiness is a slow evolution.

At some point you may realize this cycle is one you might be in forever. It becomes your new status quo. But for many others it becomes a pivotal moment of rediscovery. 

You allow yourself to feel and experience life again like you dreamed of long ago. You have to buy your own ticket to your future. 

There may be a time when 

someone else helps you realize that the days ahead can be good again. Happy looked good on you before why not again? But don’t rely on that. You alone are responsible for how much of yourself you give away. Don’t take from someone’s dream unless you can help contribute to theirs. 

Like a train that jumps the track, your life can run off course again. Why is there doubt? Is it driven by fear? 

Trust is another component. Are you trusting not only of your intentions but of someone else’s?

Trust is hard to identify and you may not be happy to find out the honest truth even though you have invested yourself and lots of your time to find out if it really exists.  

Then when it’s dashed you feel broken in two just as before. Yet you try to mend despite it because you know you’re worthy and maybe a happy life is just around the corner. Have faith. 

Your life is a melody. It starts out slow and has moments of crescendo along the way. 

There are verses that may repeat themselves. There will be a story in your tune. 

It may be happy and yet sad at the same time. 

Once written you can replay it over and over memorizing each word. 

Starting a new life song takes courage. 

Step out of your comfort zone, repeat a few cherished cords and create a new ending... one that makes you hum the tune and reflect your healed heart. Keep working on the lyrics with each new person and experience you have as you start over. 

Cathy

Be The Keeper

We are enriched by those we have loved and lost. I keep all that was good about them in me. I’m reminded of them every time I hear a favorite song or see a special place we enjoyed. 

Truly blessed to be the keeper until it’s time to turn them and myself over to others. Until then smile though your heart aches. ❤️

Happy Fathers Day

Being a widow on Fathers Day is hard. Hard knowing that the father of your children is not here to witness a great family celebration for him. 

It’s bitter sweet. The memories the photos the the quiet moments with them sleeping in your arms. He was supposed to always be here to help them. 

You were the person who fixed most everything. Your calm voice and arm around their shoulder. The voice of reason and clarity. Those are missed. 

The guiding hand on the bicycle seat and the lessons from the passenger seat while learning to drive gave reassurance of safety. 

Your instinctive ability to know what was right and ability to help you realize “why” when it was not. 

Adult children looked up to you to help with their growing children. You gave them a mans perspective on life. 

You opened the door to a side of you they could relate to over a cold beer or cup of coffee. 

So to all those dads who made a huge difference in your children’s lives and you are now the lone parent, Happy Fathers Day! 

Do what he would he gave wanted to do today in his honor. 

Cheers to dad!

Why Can’t Somebody Keep Me Safe?

Sounds like a song title, doesn’t it?
I’m laying in bed late at night wondering why this hit me so hard at this moment.
I’m happy or at least I have been striving to be happy for several years now. Why tonight?
Maybe it’s because of this isolation I’m in. The Covid-19 pandemic affecting our whole world for the past few months.
It has literally tilted our world and wrecked havoc on society. Nothing is the same and every day it is so confusing.
I am alone a lot. I know I am not the only one feeling like this. It’s very depressing to say the least. Many have died. Mostly those with underlying medical conditions.  I am blessed with good health and a knowledge of how to navigate through a world of dangerous pathogens.
No cure for it and no vaccine for some time.
So why do I cry?
I want security like everyone else does.
I want reassurance that life will be carefree again.
Spontaneous and effortless in a sense. I want my normal back that I fought so hard to have after loss.
It’s hard, I can’t lie. I won’t pretend it does not affect me. I try not to let it show on the surface how concerned I am.
My kids, my grands future world is in a world of uncertainty.
Please, let there be a way to make our world safe again.
I need to know that working on my future is an important goal.
It’s hard to do that alone.

I Miss You

I miss waking up and seeing you still asleep

I miss you making promises you intended to keep

I miss you in my dreams as I sleep 

I miss you wiping my tears as I weep 

I miss being enclosed in your warm embrace

I miss your kiss after lifting the veil from my face

I miss the days we had and all the days ahead

I miss the afternoon naps as we lay on the bed

I miss wondering what you are thinking

I miss us on the back porch drinking

I miss the shine in your eyes as we look to the sky

I miss days that become nights with you by my side

I miss walking the beach at low tide

I miss all these things 

I miss you

Be At Peace

True love lasts forever and hurts forever, too. One thing I learned is time can be revisited in our mind. We won’t ever have that time back but it remains imprinted on our mind and heart. So, although our loved ones and others are no longer with us today, they remain forever looking and being at their best forever. That gives me peace.
I hope it will give you peace also. ☮️😘

Looking Back

Looking Back
by Cathy Windham

Where does the time go?
I used to have so much.  Days lasted
forever.  Once when I was sick with the flu, I swore I thought I would never get well.  After that, it was exam week and I was certain each day of torture would never end.  The day I missed the bus lasted forever until I could explain to my dad when he got home from work.  That day was especially long.  Snow days lasted for days!  I remember playing all day and well into the night.  I had no clue what time it was.  The kids down the street stayed little forever in my mind.
Time ticked by and I did not notice.
The first time the clock snuck up on me I was graduating college and marrying the following week.  Planning my wedding, studying, exams and graduation occured the same week.  It was over before I could blink.  State Board exams, cooking, cleaning, finding a job and working happened in unison.  Children, working, wife, cleaning and gym mom consumed my days.  Years marched on like weeks.
Disease diagnosis slowed the days to
a standstill as we breathed slowly
and tried to take it all in and make the most of each precious minute together.
Where does the time go?  It evaporated like the mist on my bathroom mirror.

Cathy Windham
8/17/14

Torn Heart

The tear in your heart is real. The scar may not show but you will always know it is there. Take pride in your ability to heal from such a painful tear. 💔

Grateful

The last 9 years have brought the biggest challenges. Cancer invaded and conquered 5 yrs ago. I have to say that having gone through that awful period of time, I am stronger, more patient, more empathetic, more loving, more ready than ever to continue living while taking that love I lost with me in my heart forever. That won’t change. I am thankful and grateful to have had such an exceptional 40 yr period of my life with my husband. I carry on and life is good. The future holds much in store for my life going forward. ❤️

Pathway To Tomorrow

Pathway to Tomorrow
by Cathy Windham

Don’t be afraid to find another you
One that God had planned ahead
Worry versus fear
You must choose which will live in your head

Soon lies a future for you
One that you will steer
be strong and brave in your belief
you will overcome your fears

Today starts a new day
one full of goodness and relief
One you can smile upon
and fully release your grief

Ocean Emotion

Ocean Emotion

by Cathy Windham

Napping on the the beach

Water lapping on the shore 

All I want is you here

My love,  forever more

Everyone here looks happy

As they play upon the sand

I lay right here and dream of us

Walking hand in hand

I am here with you

Where forever you will be

I close my eyes and dream of us

In the sunshine by the sea

I’ve Got Your Back

I’ve Got Your Back

by Cathy Windham

I was talking with a friend tonight driving back home. It’s always a good time to catch up and see how each others day has been and laugh a little, too. Besties can do that easily then go three weeks or much more without contact or feeling judged. Life. 

So the topic got on to what makes a great friend and who really “has your back?” Now we know what makes a great friend because we’ve been friends many years now. But, I can honestly tell you, we had long periods of time dealing with some very serious shit in our lives when we wanted to be there for each other and couldn’t for one reason or another. 

You miss them greatly but respect their space as they respect yours “It’ll all work out,” you tell yourself and it does. 

You give of yourself and your time. You’d give it again and again knowing they’ve got your back when it really matters. When you have to let loose and spill, 

you know they’ll wipe up the ugly tears and spilled drink. 

They’ll shelter you and and secrets you exposed. 

They’ll be vulnerable, too. When your bestie has your back. 

You know who you are....

Your Moment

Your Moment

by Cathy Windham

Living in your moment sounds so effortless doesn’t it? After all, we are in charge of our decisions are we not? So why do we think that living in our moment is something that is unrealistic? So many questions and just as many answers as to why we behave this way. 

One is putting ourselves last. We do that a lot.  To put ourselves first is selfish and frowned upon. Doing for others in our lives overshadows our own needs and desires. To be the giver forces us to be focused on service to others. A gift of yourself. 

Always giving depletes resources.

Another reason is worthiness. Often we do not see ourselves as worthy or important as those we serve. Working tirelessly every day to provide is difficult. It can leave one depleted of joy on a daily basis.

Our needs get shoved further and further away. We fail to recognize them or acknowledge their existence. They fall off the radar.

Years can pass with this relentless weight on us. We need to learn to lighten our emotional load. Some crack under their own pressure. Others tear down the very thing they spent precious time building up. By then it’s much too late. 

So, to get your life back on an equal level to those you serve may be the key to survival. Invest a few minutes of time each day to your emotional health. Pray, meditate, exercise, read, paint, play music, sing or nap. 

It won’t matter what you choose as long as the result brings you happiness and peace living in your moment.

Reset

Reset

by Cathy Windham

Sometimes when I’m home alone,  I wonder why days go by at such a slow pace. As if time’s clock got stuck. The second hand gets hung up and jerks in place going nowhere. On those days, thoughts can invade my mind and play tricks on me. Was it really time to wake up that morning? Did I forget to sleep last night? Am I stuck on a journey through fog and lost my way? I have self doubt and feel as though nothing is very important in my life.  I am alone and that is a very frightening place to be.

It wasn’t always this way. I was always so busy and going in so many directions at one time that I may have wondered how I ever got from one day to the next. A day when I could really relax and enjoy myself was needed in the worst possible way.  I managed to make that happen somehow. For me it was not planned out very well though. When I should have slowed down a year earlier I didn’t. I pushed through the difficult months of that last year at work. I never knew what the future would bring. I hoped and prayed only fun days were ahead to be enjoyed. Endless glee. Constant happiness. Perfect endings. I was wrong.

I found myself in a space lacking oxygen for five years. Barely aware of who I was and why I was still alive and able to get from day to day. I still accomplished so many physical challenges much to my surprise.  I really thought at the time I was doing ok. I think I had many people fooled, too.  I learned to suppress some emotions and express others. I came out of a cocoon in a sense a very changed person.

I would say this transformation in myself is very overdue. But, as anything that is yearned for and worked on slowly to get it right, it took every bit of that slow paced time invested to see results that will bolster me and keep me going forward into an uncertain yet happier future. 

I’ve reset my clock ahead to the time I need to be in right here and right now. 

Sensual Song

Sensual Song

Music has been attributed
To emotions deep within
That slow and sensual song
Is where it will begin

In the silence of my heart beat
Touch can become your play
Turn up the volume on that tune
Making sweat beads where we lay

Wet skin is so inviting
Slightly salty to my taste
That slow and sensual song
Beckons kissing on your waist

Keep the melody in rhythm with my breath
It’s one that makes me sigh
Your scent so alluring
Sensual song makes me high

Serenade

Serenade

by Cathy Windham

Sing a song of meaning

that takes me back in time

Of days and fun we used to have

when we were in our prime

The melody will be soft and slow

as evening shadows grow

For in your guitar lies a song for me

that only you will know

I had the feeling many have 

when they are reminded of the past

that in this moment of the future

you want it all to last

Yet as all dreams and songs do end

when tempo begins to trail

the song you sang for me that day

impressed me without fail

Driftwood Beach

Driftwood Beach

by Cathy Windham

Discovery of a natural treasure and beautiful site is something you may want to keep secret

As if you are the first person to lay eyes on such a landscape

Finding it can be a challenge

heightened by the anticipation that it will live up to expectations

It does

Tossed and tumbled, dried, silver wood has the look of wild curly hair

in the incessant ocean breeze

Waves smooth it’s surfaces to a sheen similar to polished metal

Striations and cracks hold character as well as your infatuation with it’s aged beauty

Lean back and close your eyes

Listen to the sea gulls as they bob upon the waves 

Spread your picnic in a cove of driftwood and soft crystal sands that reflect gentle light in your eyes

Dream Believer

Dream Believer
by Cathy Windham

Can’t stop believing and thinking that I am witnessing a new transition in myself as I come out of a dream.
I’ve protected my core for the last five years. Honestly, I did not think it could be possible to emerge on the other side of heartbreak and still be ok much less better than I was before.
It sure has been a nice feeling to tell you the truth. I took my life back from the tailspin it was in.
Now, I’m no expert on matters such as this. There are plenty of books already written on how to deal with pain and depression after the loss of someone so close to your heart.
All I know is that each and every day, I’m more focused on the positive vibes of the day at hand.
I can make choices based on the knowledge that whatever I choose is right for me and be happy with it. I can allow myself to experience the happiness that I felt was so far out of reach but now is as close as that gold ring on the merry go round!

Soft Music

Soft Music
by Cathy Windham

You picked up your guitar and adjusted the strap across your shoulder.  Holding it close to your body, your fingers rested on the strings a moment. You began to play and the melody traveled into the surrounding air and was captured in the branches of the live oak trees bordering our secluded spot overlooking the marsh.
Soft tones escaped into the silence and then your voice was added in such harmony that I’m sure Mother Nature heard you, too!
I closed my eyes and listened intently as rays of afternoon sun were filtered by the Spanish moss overhead. I had hoped in that moment the tide would come back in and fill those hollow channels among the grassy reeds like the good feeling was filling the hollow channels of my veins.
It was a fine, oh so fine a time hearing you play and me being lost in the moment of soft music.